Discipline and Behaviour: Applying the Bible

Two big advantages of home education are:

1) By constantly being with the children, you are able to identify and seek to correct behaviours and attitudes before these are able to develop into bigger problems

2) We can frequently draw from the Bible, which we believe to be 'God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work' (2 Timothy 3:16-17). 

There are times when this does not always feel like an advantage! There are days when it feels that we spend so long working on these issues that we don't have as much time as we would like for all the educational activities we would like. There are occasions when I find myself wondering whether the children would therefore be better off in a mainstream educational establishment where there would not be so much time spent on character formation. However it does not take me long to recognise the illogical thought processes of a tired parent. It is precisely because of the days where boundaries are pushed and the boys ask for answers, explanations and sometimes just seem to be testing everything, that a parent with a Bible in hand is best equipped to speak into the situation for the highest good of the child.

Let me give a couple of illustrations from recent weeks:

1) Lying. It has been quite shocking to us, but all three of the boys have told lies recently, and have often tried to blame their brothers for their own misdemeanours. They have a good appreciation of who God is and that He is holy. Therefore often to bring conviction and confession of what truly happened, one of the key things we need to do is show the boys from the Bible just what God thinks about lying. For example:

Proverbs 6:16-19. 'There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community'. The idea that their actions are hateful to God is very shocking to the boys.

On other occasions, Hebrews 4:13 is helpful: 'Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account'. They realise that God sees and knows everything, and so that even if they are able to deceive mum and dad, they cannot hide the truth from God. That also often brings conviction.

2) Blaming others for personal sin. Along with lying comes the excuses that are made for misbehaviour: 'my brother made me do it', 'he gave it to me', 'he was doing it so I just did the same' and so on. Then I often turn to Genesis Chapter 3. The story is well known. God created the heavens and the earth, the animals and the birds and the beautiful garden of Eden and all was very good. God created Adam, and then from his rib made a 'helper suitable for him', Eve. However they were given free choice, and the one thing they were forbidden to do, to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they did. Of course they could not hide this from God, who asked 'Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?' The man said, 'The woman you put here with me - she gave me some fruit of the tree, and I ate it'. Then the Lord God said to the woman, 'What is this you have done?' The woman said. 'The serpent deceived me, and I ate'. The consequences are well known. The lesson I teach the boys here is that each one of us is accountable before God, and even if another person deceived you or otherwise led you astray, we are still responsible for our own actions. 

3) Selfishness. All children display this - arguing over toys, wanting to be the first one to have their book of choice, wanting the yellow cup and plate (for some reason this seems to be the favourite at the moment), wanting to sit on one of our knees (I can manage two on my knee, but all three becomes tricky!) Here, I try to show them how Jesus was our perfect example - there are many many passages of the Bible that could be used here, either specific verses or illustrative stories. I always love Philippians 2: 'Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross!'

4) Sloppiness. When the boys are really engrossed in a task, they can put a large amount of time and effort into the details. We have particularly noticed this with the drawings of our eldest, and have enjoyed watching his style develop. However, there are other times when they seem content to rush through a task they don't enjoy so much, in order to get on to the 'more fun' things. We have to remind them that there are some things which are simply quite hard work and need practice - reading and writing for example. Colossians 3:23-24 speaks into this: 'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.'

5) Unkindness. I think together with many parents, we frequently draw from Galatians 5:22: 'But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law'. But sometimes that can seem a little abstract. I find it can be more helpful to find an example of a story where somebody displayed the attribute or quality I am trying to teach the children about. Examples might be the parable of the Good Samaritan - where the Samaritan found the wounded Jew on the road and went the extra mile in terms of caring for him, slowing down his own journey, spending money on him (without the hope of having this repayed) and treating him as he himself would have wanted to be treated. Jesus said, 'in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets' Matthew 7:12.

These are just five examples which immediately spring to mind. These type of 'Bible studies' are daily occurrences in our household. On other occasions, I use the Bible to bring comfort in the face of discouragement or strength in the face of weariness (very often I am reading a passage like Isaiah 40 to them for my own benefit more than theirs, as I am feeling exhausted - but I like to explain to them what I am doing, why I have chosen that part of the Bible for the morning reading, how I then use it to pray and so forth). The Bible gives us hope when we feel that the circumstances in the world around us are so desperate (I am writing one week after the earthquake in Nepal, and after several recent reports of hundreds of migrants drowning in the Mediterranean. There is a humanitarian crisis in Syria, and several of my friends continue to work hard in the Ebola-striken regions of West Africa. The boys are starting to ask questions about things they hear on the radio, and rather than shield them from the harsh realities of life, we aim to provide a biblical lens for their understanding).We use the Bible for thanksgiving. For prioritisation. In praying for others. It is the most loved and read book in our home.

As a parent, I continue to be challenged that:

1) I must know my Bible well. If I am to be able to help the boys use it as a double-edged sword in the diverse circumstances of life, I need to listen to the Apostle Paul as he wrote to Timothy: 'Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth'. 2 Timothy 2:15. The more I am familiar with the stories and understand their application, the more I will be able to naturally apply it into our daily lives

2) My relationship with God must be fresh and living. The boys see me turn to God in weariness or in discouragement. I talk to them about how I pray, and how I use the Bible. These cannot be theoretical conversations, but rather my relationship with God should reflect to them some of the beauty of being known and loved by God.

How have you been able to use the Bible in the face of challenges this week?

Preparing for Easter

Do you ever find it interesting that in many countries, there is a long 'advent' period and build up to Christmas, whereas Easter just sort of happens? My boys pointed this out to me after Christmas, when we completed a timeline based on the Jesse Tree project. They asked to do a 'life of Jesus' timeline leading up to Easter, and so for the past 40 days we have been working through it every morning.

We've enjoyed doing this, but it has been more challenging than the Jesse Tree, for several reasons:

1) The Jesse Tree tended to focus on clear stories of people who were in the genealogy of Christ. It is quite easy for young children to visualise some of these stories, or to have at least a superficial understanding of who people were, where they had come from, the key events of the story (and possibly how they fitted into the genealogy of Christ - my eldest seemed to understand this more than I expected).

2) In the Life of Jesus, I have tried to focus on actual physical events (such as miracles, having his feet anointed, finding a coin in the mouth of a fish, events surrounding his betrayal, arrest and trial) rather than on teachings, fulfilled prophecies or other aspects which are important but might seem more nebulous to a child. However, even so, there have been some parts they have found very tricky indeed! For example, John Chapter 3, and the story of Nicodemus going to Jesus at night. They have no problems with Nicodemus going out under cover of darkness, and they quite liked that part. But Jesus' teaching, so familiar to most of us adults, was quite difficult for them. What does it mean to be 'born of flesh and born of spirit'? What does it mean to be 'born again'? Also, Jesus uses irony: 'Can a man enter again into his mother's womb?' - but the boys don't yet appreciate irony and how keep asking whether they could go back into my tummy, and what that would be like!

3) It challenges me because we try to use the whole of Scripture and not to present 'child-friendly' or diluted versions. The reason for this is that there have been many occasions where we have been stunned by their accurate understanding of areas of our faith that many older people really struggle with. It is very much the 'childlike faith' that Jesus commends. In fact, we have found presenting a simplified story, or missing out on some of the less pleasant aspects (such as in the story of Noah, the fact that most people who were alive at that time would have died in the flood) just tends to cause more confusion.

4) It is delightful to hear their questions and see them trying to bring it all together. We try to provide them with the tools - the Bible in its fullness, a listening and patient parent available to answer many questions and provide clarifications, other resources, books and stories, biographies of believers, sometimes Bible cartoons - to enable them to do so. So perhaps the fact there have been some days when the questions have seemed unending is evidence of them grappling with the most important truths. So perhaps I should rather be rejoicing that the timeline project has stimulated them to think and weigh things up.

Tonight my five year old wrote a hymn on a piece of paper and secretly brought it upstairs so he could sing it to us at bedtime. It went 'God is good all the time. He is amazing. He died on the cross to save us from our sins', and had a slightly undulating tune. But it was great to hear his spontaneous song of praise. Over the past week my youngest, who has just turned three, has also started to sing these 'new songs'.

The boys are asking for the next Christmas timeline, and whether or not we can do timelines in Africa. There is something about the pictorial representation of the stories that builds up day after day until it is complete that really captivates them, and I'm pleased we have found something which can be a simple family tradition.

How do you keep Christ central at Easter in your family?

5 Encouragements

This blog has several purposes. One is to discuss and share resources and ideas relating to home education, particularly Christian home education. A second is to be a more personal reflection of the challenges and the joys that are encountered - with the aim of encouraging others in what can be an amazing adventure, but also at times a lonely and less travelled road. Thirdly, when life is busy (as it tends to become for all of us) I find it helpful to stop and reflect - to reassess priorities, to celebrate progress, to set goals and to learn and gain encouragement from others. This is one reason why I tend to blog on a Sunday evening - it is a helpful discipline for me to pause and consider.

This week has brought encouragement from several sources. In no particular order....

1) Today we invited some students who had recently started attending our church for Sunday lunch. Two of them had been home educated. It was encouraging for us to see young adults who have been home educated, and I think encouraging for them to enter a home which reminded them of their own childhood. Sunday lunch at our house is not often peaceful. My husband is an excellent cook, and there is always an interesting variety of food, but there is noise, mess and then a walk in a nearby park. I used to feel a bit ashamed of not having a model house. However, over the years I have come to realise that what people in our society lack most of all is a welcoming family home. For these students, I think they felt very at home, and I hope left refreshed and encouraged!

2) Earlier in the week I was introduced to a family who work as Bible translators in an area which is not all that safe for Christians. They are enjoying a short furlough in here, and it is also the first visit to the UK of their toddler son, with whom they are in the process of adoption. Again, it was so refreshing to meet with others who live with their greatest priority being the Kingdom of God. I have noticed that sometimes, once children are on the scene, even well meaning Christians can subtly (or not so subtly) undermine attempts to live sacrificially. Risk taking is seen as negligent, rather than a bold step of faith. I've written more about this recently. The Bible speaks of the importance of choosing our companions wisely. We are taught to be 'in the world but not of the world'. 'Do not be decieved: Bad company corrupts good character' (1 Cor 15:33) - sometimes it is not the really obviously bad company that I find such a challenge (it can be relatively easy to avoid this), but rather the lukewarm, compromising, worldly Christian company. Proverbs 27:17 reads 'as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens the countenance of his friend' - as Christians we can challenge, exhort and encourage one another to walk along the narrow path. That does not always need to involve 'deep and meaningful' conversations; for me, sometimes it is simply spending company with those whose priorities are clearly not of this world.

3) On Wednesday we took our two five year olds to a concert (Peer Gynt by Grieg, then Sibelius then Tchaikovsky). My more restless son was utterly transfixed - I don't think I have ever seen him so still or quiet. This reminded me that children all have their own interests and strengths, and that we shouldn't stereotype them into boxes. (It was also an advantage of home education that we had no issues with them being out until 22:30 on a 'school' night).

4) Yesterday we enjoyed a long hike (well, long if you are three years old - 7 Km and 450 metres of altitude) with a family who also have three boys. For me, one of the greatest pleasures is being outside in the fresh air. We can enjoy the beauty of God's creation and all the small hassles of day to day life can just be forgotten about for a time. We have been very blessed to meet other families with similar attitudes and interests, because for quite a long time we felt very strange for spending so much time out of doors! It is also encouraging when you see other parents who have similar standards of discipline, and who will appropriately reprimand their children should the need arise. I  would make similar comments to those under item number 2 above - that often we can encourage one another simply through sharing our lives together. This is an important point - one of the challenges my Christians friends have made regarding home education is that I would not have enough time for 'ministry' - and often that refers to spending one on one time with younger Christians or those in need, perhaps reading the Bible together or working through a Christian book. I would agree that I don't have the ability to do those things during this season of life. but I do think a whole set of new opportunities open up. I was really persuaded of this during several months in a West African village.

5) And relating to that point, we for a walk by the river with a couple of home educating families that we know from the local group. A friend of mine who is a student was having a tough day, and so we invited her along. It was probably the best thing for her - to be outside with eight young children enjoying the early spring sunshine, fresh air, building sandcastles, getting muddy and just enjoying some freedom. In fact, she told me afterwards that this was more encouraging and helpful than it would have been to sit down and talk about the things that were on her mind.

So in summary, this week has reminded me of several things:

1) The importance of living first and foremost for the Kingdom of God, and of modelling that to our children

2) The joy of Christian fellowship, and how we can encourage one another through sharing our lives as much as through our words

3) That our children are intrinsic to our Christian lives and service, and have a vital role in ministering to others. We do them a great disservice if we ever consider them an inconvenience or to be 'getting in the way'

4) That our children continue to surprise us with their learning styles and aptitudes - that it is not right to try and define them too precisely (yes, I know understanding a little about learning styles can be helpful, but I am meaning that we should not put them into boxes).

How have you been encouraged this week?

Living in the light of eternity

Often you hear about how the siblings of an ill or disabled child develop unique strengths of character and frequently enter caring professions. Recently I have been encouraged by how my sons approach having had an older sister who died before they were born (more on our story is found here, here and here). Tomorrow would have been her seventh birthday. Her birthday brings such mixed emotions - remembering the fresh hope of becoming parents, the hopes and dreams (many of which may have been unrealistic) that we had, but also the sadness of having watched her die. But we do have hope that we will see her again. Yesterday we spoke of how she can't come back to us, but that one day we can go to her - as David said after the death of his firstborn son, 'But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:23. And in the light of that, I'd like to share some encouragements.

1) Heaven is a real place - they love the descriptions of heaven in the book of Revelation ie chapter 21 verses 18-21: 'The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.' They ask many questions about how that could be, and I have heard them talking to one another about how amazing and beautiful it must be. I envy their free, childlike imaginations which are filled with awe as they consider these things.

2) Eternity is real. Their questions about what happens when you die are very simple and direct. They want to know! What happens? Does your body rot away? Do worms eat your eyes? Tonight we read Luke Chapter 12: “I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.' They understand that your soul lives on, and that there will be a time of judgement.

3) They care about their eternal destiny. Many times in recent weeks they have asked whether they will see their sister in heaven. We have explained that we very much hope so, but that they therefore need to know where they stand before God. As I've recently blogged, they are increasingly asking questions which encourage me that they are considering these truths carefully. Sometimes it seems like they want to go to heaven just to play with their sister! But on other occasions, they seem to understand that seeing her will be just one of the many amazing things that they get to enjoy.

4) Their questions about resurrection bodies are interesting! The Bible talks of how we will be given a new body - particularly see 1 Corinthians Chapter 15 verses 38-38. I don't think it is possible for us to fully understand what this means of what it will look like, but it is clear that there will be no more sickness, pain or death and that will be marvellous. (They also particularly liked how some of these verses are set to song in Handel's Messiah, and we enjoyed listening to this for a time). What I like here is that the children don't consider that there are some parts of the Bible that are 'good for children' and others that are 'more complicated' - instead they ask very real questions, and as parents we seek to provide them with the most honest answers we are able to. We also appreciate that with their childlike faith they may well understand some of these issues better than we do. This is something that I come back to time and again when I consider how we are seeking to raise our family - that we mustn't stifle their questioning, but also how as parents we need to be familiar with the Bible. As Paul instructed Timothy, 'Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.' (2 Timothy 2:15).

5) Illness and pain and suffering are a 'normal' part of life to them. As doctors (and indeed as church members, or individuals within a society) we often see adults in mid-life who really struggle to cope when they face a bereavement, redundancy, serious illness or disappointment. Quite often it is the first time in their life that they have come across a real challenge, and there are often undertones of, 'It's not fair!', 'Why me?', 'I can't live with this situation', 'How can I keep going?' I do not want to minimise pain. However, as the Apostle Peter wrote to the persecuted church, 'Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.... So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.' (1 Peter 4:12-19) Our boys understand that people do get ill and die. They know that life can bring hardships and pain. These are lessons that many Christian parents will be seeking to teach - and I would also highly recommend Christian biographies which describe how people have brought glory to God through times of trial (reviews of Christian biographies for children are here and here). It is my prayer that the boys are equipped with the tools they need to stand firm in the face of trial when it hits them.

Of course it is not always so simple! My two year old nodded wisely as I described heaven and eternity, and then asked whether he could go to heaven now in the car, and take his toy plane with him! One of the five year olds wants to spend most of his time in heaven playing with his sister because of all the time he has missed playing with her here. And because tomorrow would be her birthday (and we always do have a cake, although a simple one with plain icing and no candles), one of them asked whether she would come and join us for cake. As with any children, their questions sometimes make me laugh, sometimes make me sad, and really my prayer is that as parents we have wisdom in knowing how best to make the most of opportunities that arise every day as they ask more and more things.

How have times of trial affected your children? Can you think of times when hardship has brought spiritual development to your family?

Childrens' understanding of faith

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3

Recently my five year old asked me about baptism:

'If you grow up in a home where you do not know about Jesus, and then become a Christian later, is that when you get baptised?' 

I said, 'Yes'. 

'So, I won't need to be baptised then?'

'No, you can be baptised when you have come to the point where you believe that Jesus is the Son of God who died for your sins, and have repented and made the decision to live for Him alone'. 

'But mummy, I do believe these things. Can I be baptised now?' 

'No son, we tend to wait for a while for....'

'For what mummy?'

A similar conversation has taken place during communion these past two weeks after the pastor has explained what the bread and wine are for, and how we must take care to be sure we are right in our hearts before God before taking part.

Can a five year old really understand these things? And if so, why then shouldn't they be baptised? In our situation, we want to see a bit more evidence of true change in his life. As we were discussing today, the boys are a bit more like the book of Judges - saying sorry, but then almost immediately doing the same thing. But one could argue, are not many of us like that? And it doesn't mean we are not truly saved. All of us are sinners saved by grace!

I have really been encouraged by some of these recent conversations. I have also been quite astonished at times by the way they are putting scripture with scripture. The other morning my two year old wanted to read something from Isaiah. So I chose Isaiah 43, and when it spoke about the 'voice of one crying in the desert', my five year old immediately saw the references to John the Baptist and remarked about the fulfilment of prophecies.

Today in church, the pastor spoke from Deuteronomy 6, on the importance of sharing our faith with our children and living lives which radiate the grace of God. There were many good points, but at times there seemed to be a bit of an assumption that a young child might not understand certain things. I continue to be astonished by what young children can understand, but then reflect that Jesus saw this and applauded it. Little children were welcome to Him, and He saw something beautiful in their faith. 

Let me encourage you to talk about your faith with your children. Read the Bible, and explain any difficult words. Be honest that some parts are more difficult to understand. Show your children how all scripture points to Christ.

I've mentioned on several occasions the Jesse tree which we did as an advent project. The timeline is still on the wall, but the boys have pointed out that it ends with the birth of Christ. So, I am currently designing a 40 day one for Lent, on key events in the life of Christ leading up to Easter. It will again take the form of readings, activities and a timeline and I am excited to explore this project. This is one of the greatest joys of home education - that we can really fulfil Deuteronomy 6, and speak of the things of God when we sit and when we rise, when we walk by the way and during all aspects of daily life. Whilst we learn Scripture, we can cover all kinds of other areas - reading, writing, creativity, art, music, expression, acting, narration, behaviour and character development and so forth. And from what I am seeing in our eldest, there is the development of a strong Biblical worldview.

I wonder how you have been encouraged this week?

Building a Biblical Worldview

I like to read Christian blogs, particularly those on Christian parenting and education. I often find encouragement in seeing how other families approach challenges, and come away inspired. This week, I have come away quite challenged!

I came across a post entitled, '65 apologetics questions every Christian parent needs to learn to answer'  - take a look, and see how you fare! I think I could do more than half without having to think too hard, but there were some, particularly some of the ones relating to creation and the different viewpoints, that I knew less about. By profession, I am a scientist, but in my faith, there are some areas where I am content to simply accept that God is greater than anything than we can understand and find no need to really grapple or be able to present the arguments for and against different perspectives. So I believe that God being God, of course the world could be created in 6 literal days. And God being God, it is hardly surprising to me that the best scientists have not been able to fully explain some of the apparent contradictions in evidence that they find. However, whilst that may be the most appropriate response in my personal faith, I am raising children who ask many questions. I realise that it is indeed important for me to be familiar with these apologetics issues, not so much for my own faith, but to help those who come to me with questions. The great thing is the number of helpful resources available - the blog I have referred to above has many detailed posts on numerous topics - the writer reads extensively as she seeks to address the questions in her own mind, and shares her insights. There are many other links presented such as Answers in Genesis. I resolve to spend more time considering these things.

At the same time, I came across a cautionary tale of a woman who had been raised in a fundamentalist Christian home, yet had 'converted' to athiesm as a young adult. The argument given was that she had been raised to believe, almost without questioning, the young earth creationist perspective and that all of Christianity stemmed from that; so when she encountered scientific argument that challenged her view on creation, her whole worldview crumbled. This underpinned to me the importance of being aware of both sides of the argument, and being able to prepare the children for the inevitable challenges of living in a society and age where Biblical truth is often scorned.

A great advantage of home education is that we can filter what our children read, hear or watch; but it would be naive to think that this will shield them from the influences of the world around them. Indeed, many choose to home educate with the aim that our children will eventually be a productive member of society (and as Christians, our prayer is that they will have a genuine life-transforming faith that shines out to those around them). We need to pray for wisdom in knowing which resources to introduce and at what stage.

This is one of the reasons I have been impressed with Sonlight. If you read their '27 reasons why you should not use Sonlight' , the presentation of controversial texts is specifically discussed. I met a a family of seven children (aged between 4 and 19 at the time) who seemed well able to weigh up both sides of an argument in order to reach their own view; this was a skill I did not learn until half way through my PhD. When I asked more questions, I learnt how the Sonlight curriculum had equipped them in this way. It is my prayer that the boys grow with this ability to listen, evaluate and formulate a correct view. And as we start to use materials from Sonlight in the near future, I look forward to seeing their questioning develop further.

Tonight, my challenge to you is this:

Are you able to answer the challenging questions about our faith? Why does God allow suffering? How did the world begin? Is hell really 'fair'? And so forth.

If you are challenged that you need to read more on some of these, how do you propose to make changes in your reading in order to achieve this?

How does your home education schedule enable your children to develop a Biblical worldview?

How do you teach your children to ask questions and evaluate material to draw a balanced view?

New Year Reflection

Do you set 'new year resolutions'? I used to when I was younger, but over time I have come to realise that if something needs to be changed, the time to start is today. I also know that many goals actually take time to achieve, and to seek to suddenly change habits, bring in a healthier lifestyle, mend relationships, take up a new hobby and always to speak kindly and lovingly to others is simply a recipe for failure, disappointment and discouragement. I believe that as Christians, we are in a process of being transformed into the likeness of Christ - but that this is a lifelong process which will have triumphs and setbacks along the way.

Having said that, I do like to take time at new year to reflect on the year gone by and broadly consider the year ahead. Recently I've posted on some of the encouragements we have enjoyed; whilst I believe it is important to think and speak positively, like every family we face challenges from time to time (and indeed that was one of the reasons I started this blog a couple of years ago).

Areas of Encouragement:

1) I am pleased with how Bible education is so fundamental to the structure of our family life. Every day begins and ends with a time of Bible reading, prayer and often singing. No matter what we have planned for that day, or no matter what kind of day it has turned out to be, this is as much part of our daily routine as brushing our teeth or eating. When I read about challenges faced, I realise that many families find a regular family devotional time a struggle. For us, it is important that this never just becomes part of the daily routine with no deeper meaning or value, and it is something we pray about daily. If this is something you struggle with, here are some tips that we have found helpful:

• It can be short. At first, we would just read a psalm together after breakfast
• Whilst I try to have the boys sitting with me on the sofa, I sometimes let the two year old play on the floor whilst we read - there are times when it is more important that we have quiet for the older two than try in vain to have all three sitting perfectly. (However, we do try to get them used to sitting together nicely at this time - it reaps dividends on Sunday mornings in church because it is so much part of our daily life.)
• I ask the boys what they would like to read - they are coming to know and love many of the Bible stories, and there are days when they want a particular story. When their attention is on it, they can listen for long periods
• We use the 'adult' Bible - usually the New King James, but sometimes the NIV. I've commented on this elsewhere, but I think there is a tendency to dumb things down for children a bit too much these days, and if we use a childrens' Bible, they often get distracted by things that are not actually in the Bible (such as one where Goliath shouts to the Israelites, 'I am going to eat you on toast!') - we do have several childrens' Bibles with different levels of English and different styles of illustration, and I think these are a helpful adjunct and we often use these, but when it comes to family devotional time, we find it much easier and less distracting to stick entirely to Scripture
• If there is a particular thing that has happened, or something we are struggling with, I try to find a relevant passage - this helps the boys to see that Scripture is timeless and applies to all situations. They realise that our God is a living God who cares about the details of their lives
• We try to choose songs that tie in with what we have been reading
• At night, we follow more of a structure, reading through a particular book

2) Their education is taking a bit of shape. For quite a while I wondered whether we should be using a curriculum or just maximising the opportunities in daily life. Without really realising it, we have formed a pattern that works well for us - so well that we keep going on Saturdays, or when we are on holiday, very much because (quoting Charlotte Mason), 'education is an atmosphere, education is a life'. Now, we have reached the point of looking at materials and we are quite excited to be starting Sonlight in the new year (we have not yet chosen the specific materials, but I've been enjoying their Forums and some local Facebook pages for advice). We have chosen this because our learning tends to be very literature based - we spend many hours cuddled up on the sofa reading, and particularly enjoy 'living books'. I am pleased when I reflect on how things have evolved, because one of the joys of home education is that each family is different, each child is different, and each pace is different - it would not be right to do something simply because others do, or to reach some kind of imposed target, but rather because it is what helps your children learn (and enjoy learning!).

3) I've written elsewhere about travel. For the past 10 years, we have been a mobile family, and to be honest have never really felt 'at home' back in the UK. When I reflect on this, I understand that as Christians, our true home is not really in this world at all. The boys are quite content to move between cities and between countries, and I particularly enjoy seeing them grow with a global worldview and perspective. We have some helpful resources from Operation Mobilisation (a map on the wall with statistics and figures, and a childrens' version of Operation World); the children understand how blessed they are with so much materially and a stable family home, and are learning that there are others who have far less. One of our sons was briefly in an orphanage, and now that he is five there are sometimes more questions asked. We receive calendars every year from the charity which tell the stories of other children who have been looked after by the orphanage, and I hope we are providing a balanced perspective of the situation.

Challenging Areas

Whilst seeking to focus mainly on that which is good, there are some things which remain quite a challenge:

1) Discipline. There are days when it seems that the whole day is devoted to correcting and disciplining the children. Sometimes it seems we can't even move on with the more interesting educational activities I have planned because there is so much need to talk to the boys as individuals, spank when necessary, sit them on the bottom stair, have them tidy up the messes they have made and so forth. It can seem that we are just getting over one problem when something else happens and round and round it goes. I find these days quite exhausting. I also know that these are the times when I have to watch my own attitudes and motives, particularly if I am tired or unwell. I must take care not to discipline in anger. What reassures me (at least a little) is when I read other blogs or home education pages and realise that other families feel like this at times too. And whilst there are days when I find myself wondering whether they would not be better off out at mainstream school, when I actually think about it, I realise that one big advantage of home education is that we can devote the time that is needed to character formation. And that as Christians, we can pray about all these things and teach the children to rely on the strength that God can give.

2) Loneliness. I think some of it is simply a phase of life. My husband and I both work part time (which can be 30-50 hours in a week, involving antisocial shifts and quite a bit of work in the evenings).  (This itself can make us seem a bit different, in both our church/ Christian communities and also in the workplace. The key thing is, that we are 'fully persuaded' that this is the right pattern for our family at this present time) The children are still young and quite dependent, so it can be difficult to have a conversation (by phone or face to face) when they are around, and often once they are asleep, there is other work, or tidying/shopping or planning to be done, so we don't spend much time in relationships. We moved church about a year ago after returning to the UK, and although it is on our doorstep, don't really feel that we have deep, encouraging relationships there either. I don't know how much is because we are a bit different, how much is the pace of our lives, or whether there is something we also need to change. With the coming new year, both of our jobs will change, perhaps becoming a bit more regular. We are praying for wisdom in how we use our time, and that we can build relationships with those around us.

3) Sleep/ tiredness! I have always thought we had quite good sleep patterns (all 3 have always napped together, and have the same bedtime). But over the past year (or maybe a bit longer?) the middle boy has woken shortly after 5. And once he is awake, he decides the world should be awake with him, and will sing at the top of his voice, make frequent bathroom trips and try to wake his brothers. We spend the next couple of hours periodically getting him to go back to bed until it is really morning. It sounds a small thing, but over time it does get quite exhausting. (We are usually up in the night with the youngest too, but that isn't quite as irritating because it is just for a toilet trip and he then goes straight back to sleep). It is something that can try our patience, and we need to be careful that we get enough rest (and if worn out, try hard not to allow this to make us grumpy!). We don't tend to talk about tiredness (because who isn't tired? And it can so easily degenerate into moaning, self-pity and competitive 'I'm more tired than you' type conversations that never helped anybody). But these past couple of weeks, whilst we've all had a succession of viral illnesses, it has been tough!

There have been more challenges and encouragements and there is plenty more to reflect upon as the New Year beckons. But for now, I am going offline and plan to enjoy a peaceful evening with my husband! Happy New Year!

Jesse Tree

I recently posted about our plans for advent and to try the Jesse Tree project. Four days in, I am really delighted with how well this is going, and would recommend it. The boys come downstairs excited to open the envelope for the day. On a couple of days, I have put extra activities and colouring sheets in with the 'emblems' for the tree, and that has worked well. I have also been surprised and encouraged by how well they are starting to understand Scripture in context. There have been several times where I have reflected that we can tend to stereotype our children in terms of what they might find interesting or what they might understand at a certain age. When talking about the shoot from the stump of Jesse, we started to discuss genealogies, and he absolutely loved the genealogy of Christ in Matthew Chapter 1. In fact he has asked to read it several times. I must confess that this is a portion of the Bible which does not always excite and inspire me (although if I really think about it, I am of course amazed by the perfect plan and sovereignty of God throughout history, throughout the dark times). But my son really seems to understand something from it, and that encourages me. This type of occurrence reminds me of all the reasons we are home educating, and I look forward to seeing how they progress in their understanding of the gospel as we systematically look through the lineage of Christ and learn more about God's redeeming work.

Advent: The Jesse Tree Project

One of my biggest joys is the advent season, as we remember and celebrate the birth of Christ our Saviour, the fulfilment of so many prophecies throughout history. One of my biggest frustrations is how Christmas often becomes a celebration of materialism, excess, selfish indulgences and loses almost all of that true meaning. Whilst one would expect that of the world around us, who often simply do not know what Jesus came for, I find it especially hard in church when childrens' (and even adults'!) messages focus more on presents, fun, family, food and sometimes even have adults dressing as Santa in attempt to make the message 'contemporary'.

As a home educating family, how should we keep the focus on what really matters?

If your children are older than mine, you may have come across the Jesse Tree before. (A search engine will provide many helpful links to a range of resources based on this concept). I am surprised I hadn't come across it before, because it is just what I had been looking for.

The concept arises from Isaiah 11, where it is prophesied that a root from Jesse will ultimately be the Messiah. It then goes back through the pivotal events in the Old Testament that point towards the coming Christ, from creation, the fall, the patriarchs (Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph and their descendents) and other key individuals in the genealogy of Christ (Rahab, Ruth, Esther etc). Each day there is a short Bible reading and an 'emblem' which can be drawn, coloured or made to hang on a 'tree'. There is so much potential for how this can develop -  often our 'school' activities consist of some reading, writing including copywork, drawing and colouring, narration of a story, acting out a story, reading around the area using either the Bible or reference books, and sometimes watching short youtube clips such as biographies or childrens' Bible stories (the Beginners' Bible is particularly good as it is Bible based and does not have too many distracting features in it).

I am looking forward to starting this project tomorrow, and am much in prayer that the boys grow in their understanding of advent and what Christmas really means.

For each day, I have made envelopes with the Bible reference on the outside and the emblems on the inside. This year, I've printed them out and mounted them onto coloured card, and we have a simple branch that is spray painted silver that we will tie them onto. I will use that as the base, and then, depending on interest, energy levels and the schedule for the day, have other related activities up my sleeve. I don't want to push them to do too much, so am needing to temper my enthusiasm slightly with some realism too!

I wonder whether you do anything special for advent, and if you'd like to share some encouragements?

Book Review: Keeping the Kids

Keeping the Kids by David Cloud

Subtitle: How to keep our children from falling prey to the world.

Way of Life Literature

I was given this book by my mother in law which I appreciated very much. She does not always find it easy to talk about spiritual things, although she is a very committed Christian, and the fact that she gave me a book which she found encouraging meant a lot. She knows that this is one of the most important things in our lives, and one which influences many of the decisions we make regarding our lifestyle and the childrens’ education.

It was easy to read, and populated with many anecdotes from Christian parents and church leaders describing what they see as the most important priorities, and also what they see as some of the biggest dangers in both contemporary society but also within much of the contemporary church. I found these different voices extremely helpful to bring depth and perspective to what was being said in the main body of the text.

I will list the chapters, and some of my key reflections on these in a step by step manner – I wish to share some of my challenges and encouragements with you! I also have made a comment on what I found less helpful - and there were some subtleties with which I disagreed, or which I felt were expressed in a very old-fashioned or rigid manner. At times I had to fight to not get distracted and to focus on the majority which was good, helpful and Biblical!

Can we keep the kids? Here the discussion was on how we cannot MAKE our children Christian since this is a work of God’s grace in their hearts. Yet at the same time, there are both instructions regarding the spiritual education of our children and promises of fruit through scripture and it is clear that we can make certain choices which may help or hinder the process.

Priority. Child training must be a major objective, and takes much time, energy, resources, prayer and strength. I have considered priorities several times here on the blog (and here for tagged posts); one of the arguments people use against home schooling is that it takes away time we could use in other, more important ministries. As I read the book, and particularly when I considered some of the cautionary tales recounted, I felt affirmed that our priorities are right.

Conversion – this chapter was interesting as it cautioned against either assuming our children are Christians or assuming that a ‘response’ to the gospel at a young age was a genuine conversion experience.

The Home: Consistent Christian Living. The title says it all – but if we are not demonstrating a living, vibrant relationship with God, then our children will not take our church attendance and Bible reading (and other spiritual activities) seriously. Consistent living does not mean that we have to be perfect – there will be times when we are tired, angry, emotional, apathetic or unkind. The point is that we are quick to repent, are honest with our children and apologise to them if necessary, and in all things ‘conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of Christ’.

The Home: The Husband-Wife Relationship. This chapter focussed on the Biblical order of male headship and female submission. This again is not popular in modern society and even in some churches today, but is how God made it. I find freedom in submitting to my husband and seeking to serve him and the family.

Child Discipline – this was similar to most of the books and articles I have read on Biblical discipline, emphasising the need for physical punishment (the ‘rod’), consistency but more than anything that this is executed in love and never in anger. It was helpful once again to read these truths because they are so different to today’s society. I have those in my family who consider us almost abusive for spanking our children or punishing disobedience because ‘modern’ parenting states that we should simply ignore bad behaviour and reward the good. It is encouraging to remember that the Bible gives us clear, timeless instruction, and that there are Bible believing parents around the world who feel likewise.

Separation from the Pop Culture – this chapter focussed on holiness, which I reflected on at the time I was reading it. By and large, it was helpful, covering areas such as television, internet, popular music, mainstream education, dating, unwholesome literature, and inappropriate dress. It was refreshing to read, and made me realise how some churches (probably including the one which I am currently a member of) do not emphasise holiness, purity and separation sufficiently. As I read this chapter, it reaffirmed our decision to not have a television, and to limit to a minimum the amount of ‘screen time’ to which the children are exposed.

Discipleship (once you are sure of Conversion). A reminder that our children are our disciples as we seek to show them how to live godly lives in all areas. Deuteronomy Chapter 6 is the classic passage which talks about the many opportunities which arise daily to teach, encourage, correct, rebuke, and generally illustrate the things of God. Homeschooling comes up often in the book, and is presented as a very positive opportunity to both protect the children from ungodly influences but also to embrace positive opportunities.

The Grandparents – and that they can either be a great blessing or perhaps a hindrance! The chapter would be an encouragement to Christian grandparents as to how they can influence their grandchildren for good, without interfering! (I had to be gracious when reading it, rather than feel bitter for the times when the Christian grandparents don't seem to be doing these things when the opportunity arises!)

There is an appendix entitled ‘How to Lose Your Child Before He is Five’ – this is adapted from a lecture given some 30 years ago, but there is much timeless wisdom there. This can be found in full here:

There were also very complete and helpful reference lists, which I hope to spend more time working through.

What was not so good? There was a tendency throughout the book to have a very black and white perspective. For example, if you do ‘X’ then ‘Y’ will result. I understand the emphasis towards separation and holiness but there were occasions when I felt this was taken a little too far. For example in the chapter on modesty, there would be anecdotes such as ‘I once knew a Sunday school teacher who wore trousers and had short hair. Not surprisingly, all of her Sunday school children grew up to be alcoholics or get divorced’. There were occasions were I felt that God’s grace did not fully come across. However, I do think this needs to be balanced against the very real danger of postmodernism where anything is acceptable, and the trend within some churches today that these things don’t really matter any more because all that matters is the heart.

It was a challenging, encouraging read which I would highly recommend.

Antipsalm: The wife of ignoble character

I've previously commented how much I appreciate the wisdom and encouragement from Jess Connell's blog; she cuts to the heart of contemporary issues facing wives and mothers, and draws perfectly from Scripture to challenge our heart attitudes. She writes with humility, gentleness and wisdom.

This evening I read her 'anti-psalm', a reversal of the 'excellent wife' of Proverbs 31. Sometimes by considering an opposite, you really start to appreciate more of the truth. This has both challenged and encouraged me because I find that our society (and even many within our churches) do not value faithful service in the home. Even within the church, there is a tendency to speak ill of family members (often partly in jest, but with disrespectful undertones), to crave 'me' time, to not appreciate the traditional activities of keeping home, cooking, mending, offering hospitality, being well organised, being frugal and thrifty (these words are often interpreted as a person being stingy or mean, but in fact are an outworking of stewardship of our God-given resources which enables us to be more generous and to be able to share and bless others with such resources). Often it is not considered the best use of time to aim to undertake these things to an excellent standard. So often there is an unspoken message that we would be so much better off using our talents outside the home, or perhaps that as home educating parents we are missing out on gospel opportunities which we might have if we were less focussed on our own family.

I won't say more, but simply (with Jess's permission) am reposting her 'anti-psalm'. Her full Blog post on this is here.

A terrible wife is a dime a dozen.

She is common– easily found.

Her husband feels tense; his heart is never fully at rest around her. She blows through his resources and squanders his contributions. There’s never anything left over, to invest or to give. The tight finances point to a larger reality: he can’t really trust her.

She spends more time and energy tearing him down than building him up. Every day of her whole life is spent making him worse off.

She sits around, aimlessly waiting for opportunities. Her hands are idle, because nothing magically comes her way on its own.

She does the bare minimum necessary to contribute to the nourishment and care of her family (and sometimes, not even that!). She can’t be expected to go to great lengths to bless her household.

She sleeps in, and uses her time poorly. Her household often gets to mealtime without anything planned or prepared.

She buys things on a whim– spending money on possessions rather than purposeful, long-range investments.

She’s weak-willed and weak-bodied, and thus, unwilling and unable to do the things God has put on her plate.

Her efforts are spent unprofitably, on things that don’t bring fruit.

If she’s up late, she’s doing impractical, useless things or spending her free time as “me time.”

Her skills are few, if any, and what she does do is careless and done poorly.

She can’t afford to be generous. The money’s all gone because she’s spent it on other things.

Her heart and hands are turned inward. Whatever her words say, the result of her actions and inaction reveal that her own desires eclipse the needs of others in her heart.

The thought of tragedy or difficulty makes her anxious and fearful because she hasn’t properly prepared her home, her family, and herself for these possibilities.

She doesn’t actively put her mind and creativity to work on improving the basic, everyday things in her home.

Her husband is ridiculed and thought ill of in their community because of how poorly she’s talked about him. Others don’t respect him, because his wife doesn’t either.

She spends her time and energies aimlessly and fruitlessly.

She puts money in the pockets of merchants, rather than the other way around.

Weakness, irresponsibility, and indecency are her clothing.

She churns with anxiety and fear about the future.

Her words are foolish; people around her are negatively influenced by her cynicism and critical attitude. Bitterness and judgments about others regularly spew from her lips.

She’s stressed and concerned about all manner of things, but oblivious to the realities of what’s happening inside her own heart and home. There, her exhaustion and stress boil over into laziness and inaction.

Her children rise up and can’t wait to get away from her. They curse her.

Her husband also, and he can’t find anything good to say.

A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised,

But this woman’s charm is deceitful, and her beauty is in vain.

Her hands are fruitless, and leave her nothing to enjoy or be praised for.