Priorities and worldview

I enjoyed today's sermon. It was on Psalm 73. The basic summary is that the psalmist is having a hard time, and looking around and seeing others who seem to have an easier, more comfortable life but who do not know God. At first, he is envious and a bit confused about why God should let 'bad things happen to good people', until he comes into the presence of God and sees the bigger picture. There, he is reminded that what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal. Our life here, for better or for worse, for easier or for harder, is only a small part of the bigger picture.

It was a helpful reminder. Even though I know these things, there are times when it is easy to look sideways and to covet what somebody else has - whether that be peace, or a seemingly more supportive extended family, or different opportunities, or many other things. But the amazing thing is that God knows what we need, and He knows what He is doing. Sometimes hard things do happen - illnesses, disappointments, frustrations, bereavements, loneliness, persecutions, financial uncertainty, challenges in the workplace - and God knows these things will happen. But God does not change, and often through these hardships we have to trust Him more, and focus more on the greatest things of all - not material things, not health, not status or popularity, but God Himself. I enjoyed peacefully reflecting on how good and wise God is, and on His amazing provision and faithfulness to our family through the years. (And I was able to reflect peacefully as my boys are now able to sit well through the service and to listen and learn from the sermon too - something which I am thankful for, and thankful to my husband for making this a priority from when they were tiny - our reasons for this are commented on here and here).

I particularly enjoy coming home after church and asking the boys what they have learnt. We ask them to draw something which depicts an aspect of the sermon, and it can be quite interesting to see what the different children come up with. Today we did not have time to draw as we had visitors, but it was a very helpful passage to talk through.

It has also been interesting to consider sources of encouragement and discouragement. This week I was very encouraged by some text messages from a single friend who really seems to understand why we have made the choices we have with regard to the boys education and the things which we avoid exposure to (such as television). Her housegroup had been discussing the saying 'give me a child until he is seven and I'll give you the man', attributed to St Francis Xavier, and some older ex-missionaries had adopted a lifestyle similar to ours - even years ago, seen as counter cultural and a bit odd, but spiritually so profitable. Conversely, I sometimes feel discouraged regarding our choices by people within the church - when we first returned from overseas there were quite a few negative remarks about our house (it is a perfectly well situated three bedroom house with a large kitchen, which God has blessed us with and where we've had much opportunity for hospitality). Lately, because of the stage my husband and I have reached with work, there is also a subtle indication that we would be 'expected' to change lifestyle slightly. It frustrates me because things should not be that way, but frustrates me even more because I realised this morning that I had allowed myself to be subtly influenced by these lies. So this morning's sermon was perfectly timed enabling me to re-set the compass and focus again on what we believe God has called us to. (I must also learn from this too - that it can be easy to cause another to stumble, without necessarily meaning to. And similarly, to remember that we can build up and encourage others who have very different walks of life to our own - all part of the beauty of being part of a family of believers).

So this evening, I simply want to remind you that God is good. He knows what you need. Read Matthew Chapter 6, and consider how He really does know all your needs, but that your priority is to seek to live for Him first of all, and to trust Him for the rest.

Childrens' understanding of faith

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3

Recently my five year old asked me about baptism:

'If you grow up in a home where you do not know about Jesus, and then become a Christian later, is that when you get baptised?' 

I said, 'Yes'. 

'So, I won't need to be baptised then?'

'No, you can be baptised when you have come to the point where you believe that Jesus is the Son of God who died for your sins, and have repented and made the decision to live for Him alone'. 

'But mummy, I do believe these things. Can I be baptised now?' 

'No son, we tend to wait for a while for....'

'For what mummy?'

A similar conversation has taken place during communion these past two weeks after the pastor has explained what the bread and wine are for, and how we must take care to be sure we are right in our hearts before God before taking part.

Can a five year old really understand these things? And if so, why then shouldn't they be baptised? In our situation, we want to see a bit more evidence of true change in his life. As we were discussing today, the boys are a bit more like the book of Judges - saying sorry, but then almost immediately doing the same thing. But one could argue, are not many of us like that? And it doesn't mean we are not truly saved. All of us are sinners saved by grace!

I have really been encouraged by some of these recent conversations. I have also been quite astonished at times by the way they are putting scripture with scripture. The other morning my two year old wanted to read something from Isaiah. So I chose Isaiah 43, and when it spoke about the 'voice of one crying in the desert', my five year old immediately saw the references to John the Baptist and remarked about the fulfilment of prophecies.

Today in church, the pastor spoke from Deuteronomy 6, on the importance of sharing our faith with our children and living lives which radiate the grace of God. There were many good points, but at times there seemed to be a bit of an assumption that a young child might not understand certain things. I continue to be astonished by what young children can understand, but then reflect that Jesus saw this and applauded it. Little children were welcome to Him, and He saw something beautiful in their faith. 

Let me encourage you to talk about your faith with your children. Read the Bible, and explain any difficult words. Be honest that some parts are more difficult to understand. Show your children how all scripture points to Christ.

I've mentioned on several occasions the Jesse tree which we did as an advent project. The timeline is still on the wall, but the boys have pointed out that it ends with the birth of Christ. So, I am currently designing a 40 day one for Lent, on key events in the life of Christ leading up to Easter. It will again take the form of readings, activities and a timeline and I am excited to explore this project. This is one of the greatest joys of home education - that we can really fulfil Deuteronomy 6, and speak of the things of God when we sit and when we rise, when we walk by the way and during all aspects of daily life. Whilst we learn Scripture, we can cover all kinds of other areas - reading, writing, creativity, art, music, expression, acting, narration, behaviour and character development and so forth. And from what I am seeing in our eldest, there is the development of a strong Biblical worldview.

I wonder how you have been encouraged this week?

Book Review: Keeping the Kids

Keeping the Kids by David Cloud

Subtitle: How to keep our children from falling prey to the world.

Way of Life Literature

I was given this book by my mother in law which I appreciated very much. She does not always find it easy to talk about spiritual things, although she is a very committed Christian, and the fact that she gave me a book which she found encouraging meant a lot. She knows that this is one of the most important things in our lives, and one which influences many of the decisions we make regarding our lifestyle and the childrens’ education.

It was easy to read, and populated with many anecdotes from Christian parents and church leaders describing what they see as the most important priorities, and also what they see as some of the biggest dangers in both contemporary society but also within much of the contemporary church. I found these different voices extremely helpful to bring depth and perspective to what was being said in the main body of the text.

I will list the chapters, and some of my key reflections on these in a step by step manner – I wish to share some of my challenges and encouragements with you! I also have made a comment on what I found less helpful - and there were some subtleties with which I disagreed, or which I felt were expressed in a very old-fashioned or rigid manner. At times I had to fight to not get distracted and to focus on the majority which was good, helpful and Biblical!

Can we keep the kids? Here the discussion was on how we cannot MAKE our children Christian since this is a work of God’s grace in their hearts. Yet at the same time, there are both instructions regarding the spiritual education of our children and promises of fruit through scripture and it is clear that we can make certain choices which may help or hinder the process.

Priority. Child training must be a major objective, and takes much time, energy, resources, prayer and strength. I have considered priorities several times here on the blog (and here for tagged posts); one of the arguments people use against home schooling is that it takes away time we could use in other, more important ministries. As I read the book, and particularly when I considered some of the cautionary tales recounted, I felt affirmed that our priorities are right.

Conversion – this chapter was interesting as it cautioned against either assuming our children are Christians or assuming that a ‘response’ to the gospel at a young age was a genuine conversion experience.

The Home: Consistent Christian Living. The title says it all – but if we are not demonstrating a living, vibrant relationship with God, then our children will not take our church attendance and Bible reading (and other spiritual activities) seriously. Consistent living does not mean that we have to be perfect – there will be times when we are tired, angry, emotional, apathetic or unkind. The point is that we are quick to repent, are honest with our children and apologise to them if necessary, and in all things ‘conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of Christ’.

The Home: The Husband-Wife Relationship. This chapter focussed on the Biblical order of male headship and female submission. This again is not popular in modern society and even in some churches today, but is how God made it. I find freedom in submitting to my husband and seeking to serve him and the family.

Child Discipline – this was similar to most of the books and articles I have read on Biblical discipline, emphasising the need for physical punishment (the ‘rod’), consistency but more than anything that this is executed in love and never in anger. It was helpful once again to read these truths because they are so different to today’s society. I have those in my family who consider us almost abusive for spanking our children or punishing disobedience because ‘modern’ parenting states that we should simply ignore bad behaviour and reward the good. It is encouraging to remember that the Bible gives us clear, timeless instruction, and that there are Bible believing parents around the world who feel likewise.

Separation from the Pop Culture – this chapter focussed on holiness, which I reflected on at the time I was reading it. By and large, it was helpful, covering areas such as television, internet, popular music, mainstream education, dating, unwholesome literature, and inappropriate dress. It was refreshing to read, and made me realise how some churches (probably including the one which I am currently a member of) do not emphasise holiness, purity and separation sufficiently. As I read this chapter, it reaffirmed our decision to not have a television, and to limit to a minimum the amount of ‘screen time’ to which the children are exposed.

Discipleship (once you are sure of Conversion). A reminder that our children are our disciples as we seek to show them how to live godly lives in all areas. Deuteronomy Chapter 6 is the classic passage which talks about the many opportunities which arise daily to teach, encourage, correct, rebuke, and generally illustrate the things of God. Homeschooling comes up often in the book, and is presented as a very positive opportunity to both protect the children from ungodly influences but also to embrace positive opportunities.

The Grandparents – and that they can either be a great blessing or perhaps a hindrance! The chapter would be an encouragement to Christian grandparents as to how they can influence their grandchildren for good, without interfering! (I had to be gracious when reading it, rather than feel bitter for the times when the Christian grandparents don't seem to be doing these things when the opportunity arises!)

There is an appendix entitled ‘How to Lose Your Child Before He is Five’ – this is adapted from a lecture given some 30 years ago, but there is much timeless wisdom there. This can be found in full here:

There were also very complete and helpful reference lists, which I hope to spend more time working through.

What was not so good? There was a tendency throughout the book to have a very black and white perspective. For example, if you do ‘X’ then ‘Y’ will result. I understand the emphasis towards separation and holiness but there were occasions when I felt this was taken a little too far. For example in the chapter on modesty, there would be anecdotes such as ‘I once knew a Sunday school teacher who wore trousers and had short hair. Not surprisingly, all of her Sunday school children grew up to be alcoholics or get divorced’. There were occasions were I felt that God’s grace did not fully come across. However, I do think this needs to be balanced against the very real danger of postmodernism where anything is acceptable, and the trend within some churches today that these things don’t really matter any more because all that matters is the heart.

It was a challenging, encouraging read which I would highly recommend.

Antipsalm: The wife of ignoble character

I've previously commented how much I appreciate the wisdom and encouragement from Jess Connell's blog; she cuts to the heart of contemporary issues facing wives and mothers, and draws perfectly from Scripture to challenge our heart attitudes. She writes with humility, gentleness and wisdom.

This evening I read her 'anti-psalm', a reversal of the 'excellent wife' of Proverbs 31. Sometimes by considering an opposite, you really start to appreciate more of the truth. This has both challenged and encouraged me because I find that our society (and even many within our churches) do not value faithful service in the home. Even within the church, there is a tendency to speak ill of family members (often partly in jest, but with disrespectful undertones), to crave 'me' time, to not appreciate the traditional activities of keeping home, cooking, mending, offering hospitality, being well organised, being frugal and thrifty (these words are often interpreted as a person being stingy or mean, but in fact are an outworking of stewardship of our God-given resources which enables us to be more generous and to be able to share and bless others with such resources). Often it is not considered the best use of time to aim to undertake these things to an excellent standard. So often there is an unspoken message that we would be so much better off using our talents outside the home, or perhaps that as home educating parents we are missing out on gospel opportunities which we might have if we were less focussed on our own family.

I won't say more, but simply (with Jess's permission) am reposting her 'anti-psalm'. Her full Blog post on this is here.

A terrible wife is a dime a dozen.

She is common– easily found.

Her husband feels tense; his heart is never fully at rest around her. She blows through his resources and squanders his contributions. There’s never anything left over, to invest or to give. The tight finances point to a larger reality: he can’t really trust her.

She spends more time and energy tearing him down than building him up. Every day of her whole life is spent making him worse off.

She sits around, aimlessly waiting for opportunities. Her hands are idle, because nothing magically comes her way on its own.

She does the bare minimum necessary to contribute to the nourishment and care of her family (and sometimes, not even that!). She can’t be expected to go to great lengths to bless her household.

She sleeps in, and uses her time poorly. Her household often gets to mealtime without anything planned or prepared.

She buys things on a whim– spending money on possessions rather than purposeful, long-range investments.

She’s weak-willed and weak-bodied, and thus, unwilling and unable to do the things God has put on her plate.

Her efforts are spent unprofitably, on things that don’t bring fruit.

If she’s up late, she’s doing impractical, useless things or spending her free time as “me time.”

Her skills are few, if any, and what she does do is careless and done poorly.

She can’t afford to be generous. The money’s all gone because she’s spent it on other things.

Her heart and hands are turned inward. Whatever her words say, the result of her actions and inaction reveal that her own desires eclipse the needs of others in her heart.

The thought of tragedy or difficulty makes her anxious and fearful because she hasn’t properly prepared her home, her family, and herself for these possibilities.

She doesn’t actively put her mind and creativity to work on improving the basic, everyday things in her home.

Her husband is ridiculed and thought ill of in their community because of how poorly she’s talked about him. Others don’t respect him, because his wife doesn’t either.

She spends her time and energies aimlessly and fruitlessly.

She puts money in the pockets of merchants, rather than the other way around.

Weakness, irresponsibility, and indecency are her clothing.

She churns with anxiety and fear about the future.

Her words are foolish; people around her are negatively influenced by her cynicism and critical attitude. Bitterness and judgments about others regularly spew from her lips.

She’s stressed and concerned about all manner of things, but oblivious to the realities of what’s happening inside her own heart and home. There, her exhaustion and stress boil over into laziness and inaction.

Her children rise up and can’t wait to get away from her. They curse her.

Her husband also, and he can’t find anything good to say.

A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised,

But this woman’s charm is deceitful, and her beauty is in vain.

Her hands are fruitless, and leave her nothing to enjoy or be praised for.

Unless the Lord builds the house....

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Psalm 127 v 1-2

Jesus said, 'What does it profit a man to gain the whole world yet forfeit his soul?' (Matthew 16:26, Mark 8:36, Luke 9:25 - clearly very important if recorded so clearly in three of the four gospels!)

We've been talking about this quite a lot in our household lately. The boys have been asking what 'in vain' means, and what 'futile' means. It is interesting to find ways to explain!

But one of the best ways we can teach our children is through our own attitudes and focus. Do we live as though Christ is our all? Or do we live as though this world is our home and our security? When we talk and dream about the future, what comes across most? Is it our own ambitions, or is it that 'Whatever happens we may conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of Christ'? (grammatical alteration of Philippians 1:27, the verse I have written across the top of the white-board on which we scribble our goals and aims). When we approach challenges and decisions, what do we communicate to our children. 'Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks' (Luke 6:45).

Whatever is going on in your life - whether life is simply ticking over, or whether you face a major decision, what is your highest goal? What matters most?

Psalm 127 is interesting - people tend to either quote the first part (as I have one above) or the second part (verses 3-5) which reads:

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
    when they contend with their opponents in court.

I haven't ever heard anybody speaking about this psalm bring the two together, but I think those of us who have children, particularly those of us who seek to raise our children with a Biblical worldview, can gain much from reflecting on this.

As we prioritise the things of God in the midst of a 'crooked and depraved generation' (cf Philippians 2), we may suffer 'loss' in worldly terms. We may not have a large and beautiful home, we may not have financial and material security, we may not be popular among our 'peer group' (whoever a peer group might happen to be - I'm thinking of mums groups, or work colleagues, or sometimes family members, who often feel uncomfortable with our simple home educating lifestyles, and sometimes see it is a direct criticism of their choices). We may have to turn down work opportunities, we may not always be able to do the things that we would personally find most fun because our children come first. 

But the Bible is clear (and Psalm 127 is just one example). Our children are a gift from God, a blessing, an inheritance. And our responsibilities as parents are not to be abdicated, avoided or ignored. We may say that our greatest goal is for them to grow up to love and serve God - but is that reflected in our choices, our words, our actions? 

If you struggle with this (keeping God your focus, accepting worldly loss for His glory, being willing to lay down your personal dreams and 'idols') then spend some time praying about it. It is not a secret to God, and I believe it is something many of us struggle with from time to time. Its important that we have a strong and healthy relationship with God (its important for many other reasons too!) if we want our children to grow with a godly worldview and set of priorities.

A balanced life: Reflection and correction

If I can draw a diagram of something, I find I understand it better. And so, yesterday when I was considering 'life-work balance' and the various wheel of life diagrams that exist, I was uncomfortable that something was really not right. In general, I think I have a very good life:work balance, and I have been invited to talk on the topic several times recently. Yet, when I filled in one of those wheels, it looked very skewed.

The reason for this error came to me clearly overnight, and I felt it important to correct this. You see, I had categorised 'children - including their education' separately to 'friendships', 'leisure time' etc. Yet what do I do when I am spending time with my children (including their education)? Quite often we are enjoying what could be considered by many as leisure - walking, dancing, singing, playing, baking, cooking, playing music, reading books, painting, going to the library or the museum, going on a day trip.... In fact, a large proportion of time is spent doing these things! And who do we do these with? Often with friends - last week we had a wonderful afternoon in a nearby park, and later this week we are going to an RSPB nature reserve with some of the same people.

The fact I made this error when considering my life (even though I was aware that something was wrong, I did not recognise it immediately) shows just how entrenched we can become in a selfish worldview. I have quite a few friends that I have grown distant from in recent years, and this makes me sad. There are many reasons for this - life events on both sides, but a big difference can be that many of my friends see children as people who need to be 'entertained' during the time that they are not at school (with television, snacks and treats, other indulgences - OK, maybe a little harsh, but a generalisation). During term time, they are very much dictated to by school hours, school runs, after school activities etc (not necessarily bad things, but they cause our lives to take a different shape) and during school holidays they seem so overwhelmed at the need to entertain their children that it is not possible to meet up. Instead, I develop friendships with people who see my children as people, who seek to get to know them as individuals, and who are happy to join in alongside the activities we are doing. And of course, I am meeting other home educating parents, and with the common bond of our children and much of our ideology, friendships blossom. But I can find myself neglecting what I have, the wonderful friendships I currently have, because I don't feel that I am spending enough time with the friends I would like to be with. I wonder if anybody else feels that jumble?

Similarly, leisure time. I am quite a reflective person, and would enjoy more reading, writing, listening to music, sewing and craft activities. Many of these things are not on my radar in this current season of life, since my life-work balance means that often evenings are spent on academic work. But there are many many things I never did before. I never spent so much time out of doors. I had lived in my city for 15 years and never visited any of the art galleries or museums. I had rarely been to the coast. I had not been to National Trust properties or castles since I was a young child. So here I am bemoaning my lack of 'free time' or 'leisure time' when in fact I have it in greater abundance than I have ever known.

This is an important reminder not to categorise ourselves too much! I am a member of quite a few Facebook home education groups, and people often seek to define themselves in terms of a method or an ideology. Others define themselves in other ways. But the fact is, you and your family are unique, and each week, even each day, brings unique opportunities and blessings. Embrace these! Look at all you have! Don't lament because you cannot be everywhere, doing everything at once. Rather focus on what can be done today, do not worry about tomorrow and in all things give thanks.

Priorities and Affirming our Children

Recently we led a seminar on career choices at a Christian conference for young professionals, and one key them that emerged was that of life-work balance. People want to glorify God through their work, and to serve Him with their heart, soul, mind and strength. But at the same time, there is an awareness that career aspirations can easily become idolatrous; it is a fine line to walk in certain professions, but there may come a time when something which is good and commendable is keeping you from the best thing of all, which is serving God wholeheartedly. But how does one know what God is calling them to do? Is guidance an easy thing to discern? How do we choose godly priorities? Do other priorities (family life, Christian service etc) not also run the risk of becoming idols? And thinking about it all, it becomes so clear that we need to pray, as did the Psalmist, ‘Search me O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ Psalm 139:23-24

There are some secular tools which can be helpful in considering priorities, and one which is frequently used is a ‘wheel of life’. But it was interesting when I did this exercise for myself, because I considered some of the main areas: Personal relationship with God, Christian activities, Work, Marriage, Children (including their education), Friendships, Extended Family and Leisure Time. My diagram looked very unbalanced (the final three scored very low), and actually made me question. But the main question I asked myself was what our priorities ought to be as Christian families? There seems to be a presumption, even amongst Christian circles, that leisure time spent with friends is a right rather than a privilege and a blessing. How many young mothers hear people telling them to take some ‘me time’? How many couples talk about putting off having children for a few years, so they ‘can enjoy some nice holidays together’? How many people live for the weekends? How many people see their regular hobbies as essential, rather than a bonus? I do not wish to sound puritanical, but I do think as Christians we need to prayerfully consider how we best use our time. And whilst it can be a helpful starting point, I think Christians must beware of secular resources which feed the myth that we need so much personal and leisure time. Instead, a more healthy diagram would be one which has God at the centre of all. I also came across this very helpful blog with a diagram showing how all previous areas become squeezed when we have children, but that none of these should be lost, and we should attempt to maintain balance for overall spiritual health within the home.

I liked this final one so much, that I continued to read the blog, and found an excellent series entitled: ’29 ways to affirm your children’. Now, along a similar line to my sceptism about priorities detailed in the preceding paragraph, I tend to run a mile from things that talk about ‘affirmation’ – the word brings to mind mantras of ‘you are a good person’ (no you aren’t, you are a sinner in need of salvation!), ‘you have strength within you’ (no you don’t, God’s power is  made perfect in weakness) etc… Anyway, I was glad that I did not get put off by the title. Let me encourage you to read the series! In summary, the 29 points were:

1)      Create a positive, loving and secure environment in your home

2)      Be sensitive to your child’s thoughts and feelings

3)      Give your children choices

4)      Give everyone an opportunity to speak

5)      Nip the self-criticism

6)      Minimise sibling rivalry

7)      Discover the gift in your child

8)      Develop your child’s gift

9)      Teach your child to compensate

10)   Help your child to compete

11)   Develop self-confidence

12)   Discipline in an emotionally healthy manner

13)   Teach self-control

14)   Encourage positive character qualities

15)   Teach your children to work

16)   Teach your children to complete their chores

17)   Make sure they keep up with their schoolwork

18)   Teach your children to communicate with adults

19)   Encourage friendships of high character

20)   Follow a family schedule that reduces fatigue and time pressure

21)   A healthy amount of sleep

22)   A healthy diet

23)   Keep your promises

24)   Laugh with your children

25)   The importance of physical touch

26)   Reward effort, not results

27)   Teach your children to serve others

28)   Celebrate life

29)   Develop a healthy pride in being part of something bigger than themselves.

Each of these areas is discussed in a balanced, Biblical way. I was refreshed that the importance of hard work, discipline, sensible choice of friends, good communication with others including adults (!) and serving others are all considered as means to ‘affirm’ our children. It leads back to some of the most fundamental questions regarding what our aims as parentsare in the first place. If ‘affirming’ means to us giving in to every whim of the child, allowing them to make foolish choices and sheltering them from the realities of life and responsibility, then we are not lovingly preparing them for life in the real world.

I was encouraged as I read through the list, that as a home schooling family we already have prioritised many of these areas. I pray that we can continue to make wise choices, and that as we walk through life together with our children that they see our joy as we seek to put God first. I pray that they see relationships and service as essential ways to serve God in this world which has so much need. And I pray that we can continue to take opportunity to minister as a family. May you be encouraged in these areas too.

How we speak about our children

This evening, I feel quite tired and drained. Looking for some encouragement (see a previous post on this!), I turned to an old favourite blog, and read this post about the value of words that had me nodding in agreement, and feeling less alone.

In the UK it is the school summer holidays, and for the third consecutive year, I am surprised at just how lonely I find this time. Some of this is because friends tend to go away for several weeks at a time, whereas our family rarely would go away during the school holidays (why would we choose to do so? A minor advantage of home education is that flexibility). Churches also tend to close down a bit over the summer, and many of the regular mid-week activities that I am involved with have a break. But an additional reason for feelings of isolation relates to the comments made on the Making Home blog: that many mothers find their children overwhelming when they are home for the six weeks of school holiday. In fact, I do not think I have ever heard a parent make a positive remark about this, such as 'Fantastic, I love the summer holidays and all the time we can spend together!' I find the way that people speak about their children really quite telling. For example,

'How am I going to entertain the children for six weeks?' - I hear that one so often, but it makes me think two things. Firstly, do you have so little imagination that you cannot think of fun activities for this short period of time? Secondly, if you think your role as a parent is to 'entertain' your children, you have already lost certain battles, and are going in with an unhelpful attitude. If I were to ask you to list the key attributes of a parent, I don't think 'entertainer' would be up there among the top ten, but people don't seem to see the paradox when they use the phrase.

'My children have so much energy, they are bouncing off the ceiling!' - Well my answer to that one is very unpopular: Get out more. Go on long walks. Plan 'adventures'. Pack sufficient food and water (it doesn't need to be a beautifully prepared picnic - something like peanut butter sandwiches and fruit would be just fine). And go off without a clear plan. Walk through town and talk about things you see along the way. Explore a park. Go on a day out on the train. Think of all the things you loved as a child, and head out. It really does help to burn off the energy in a constructive way. I know that on days when we are not active, I find the boys' behaviour more challenging. It helps us all to keep active.

'Yes, but I don't like doing things like X, Y or Z'. This one can be hard. I have family members who refuse to come to the park/ go for walks/ join us doing anything active with the children because they don't personally enjoy these things. This effectively means that they are unable to really get to know the children, and are choosing to withdraw from the potential relationship by limiting it to short visits spent inside a cluttered living room where the children do get restless and irritable after about an hour. Although I enjoy sport, particularly running and hiking, I never previously would have been particularly interested in many of the things that occupy our days. But I needed to get alongside the children, to see the world through their eyes, buy some warmer clothes, a pair of wellies and get out there. Now, I wouldn't change things, mainly because I see how much the whole family benefits. (And yes, there is still a part of me that feels like saying, 'I don't like that', or 'I don't want to do that', and I have to repent of my selfish attitude.)

'Don't your boys drive you crazy with their constant chatter and questions?' I've had this a few times in the past weeks, often whilst on public transport. No they don't. Yes, it takes energy to listen to their flurry of often seemingly unrelated questions. Yes, it means they hold my focus and attention and so I cannot chat to others as freely as I might once have done. But by answering patiently, I am teaching them about the world around them, teaching them that their questions are valued and important, and teaching them the basic rules of conversation. Often we will follow-up questions with trips to the library or to particular places, or they may lead on to experiments. Much of their education stems from the questions that arise. (And yes, there are days when it would be nice to sit and daydream and look out of the window, but that is not what this season of life is about. I've had those days, and probably have more in the future. For today, it is my delight to answer the questions my boys raise).

'I can't wait until September and they are back at school' - often spoken within earshot of the children themselves. How are they supposed to feel? Loved? Valued? Appreciated?

I think one reason why I find it so hard is that just because I embrace the opportunities of parenting, and we have chosen to prioritise time with our family, it is NOT always easy. I try to keep a right attitude, and and prayerful about my choice of words, but it doesn't mean I don't find things difficult at times just like any parent. Lately, I have felt a bit more tired, and as I mentioned above, I find the school holidays can be a lonelier time. Something may be immensely rewarding, but is not necessarily easy by any means. I don't know that there are many things of great value that don't take hard, consistent, focussed work. Another set of comments that frustrate me are those which somehow imply that because I don't complain about my children that I must have it easy:

'I didn't even know you were pregnant. Wow. You weren't sick or anything' - having not complained about sickness, but ending up in hospital with hyperemesis gravidarum!

'You always have such 'easy' babies, its OK for you' - I have not had any real challenges with my babies (except the death of one, and the near-death of another - to be slightly sarcastic), but they have all fed every 2 hours through the night until about 8 months which is normal, but can be tiring. I just chose not to spend my waking hours reliving that, or moaning about it!

'Yes, but I can't get my child to eat well' - Do you offer other foods when they refuse what you have given? Do they get dessert if they do not eat the main course? I think if they are genuinely hungry, then they probably will eat and be thankful!

'You don't need as much sleep as I do' - how do you know?

'You're so lucky that X, Y or Z' - I am thankful for all God has provided for me. But often this is said in relation to something which has been an active, conscious choice and may have involved some kind of sacrifice on another level. I thank God that He has guided our decision making as a family, and that we have a unified approach, but I don't think it comes down to 'luck'.

This post expresses some frustrations I have felt lately. And I am thankful that the one thing I chose to read this evening directly spoke to some of the things that were on my mind and brought God-given encouragement and peace!

Worldview: Global citizens

A good friend just shared with me this article on raising children to be global citizens.

To me, it was a breath of fresh air to read. I've recently reflected a bit on whether and how we should include children during times of corporate worship. I've pondered issues relating to worldview. I've asked questions regarding what things really matter in this world, and what the best use of our time is. On several occasions, I have expressed frustration that we sometimes feel more misunderstood among our church family than in the wider community (where there is an attitude that 'anything goes', and a certain amount of freedom to 'do what works best for you'). It is far easier to be a default parent, or perhaps an overprotective one, but harder to carefully consider what God wants you to do.

Read this article and be inspired!

A year of blogging

It is now a year since I started writing on this blog. It’s been a good year, and I have enjoyed taking time to reflect upon it, both the serious and less serious issues surrounding parenting in general with a specific focus on the home education of young children.

Life moves very fast. Sometimes we don’t take enough time to celebrate an achievement, a milestone, a habit defeated, an obstacle overcome; instead we can replace one current ‘problem’ with another. I endeavour not to do this. Early I posted about the value of an attitude of gratitude, and I have had reason to ponder those sentiments on many occasions over the past year!

A year ago, my youngest was two months old, utterly helpless and dependent. I was waking every hour or two through the night to feed him, still recovering from the difficult pregnancy and delivery both emotionally and physically, and the days often passed in a blur. Now, I have a sturdy young lad, who tries to join his older brothers in every way, and who can eat the biggest breakfast out of the whole family. The older two have also developed enormously, and I am frequently astonished by some of the things they say and do.

A year ago, I hadn’t really spoken much about home education to others, partly because there seemed no need, but partly also because I was admittedly anxious about how others might judge us. I was starting to get asked which school I had put my eldest down for, and whether we would be starting the ’15 hours’ of free preschool which is currently provided for in the UK. Now, we are more open. I don’t make statements such as ‘we will never send our children to school’, and even am a little reluctant to call it ‘homeschooling’ as I know it will conjur up stereotypes among many (for example, even see this article I stumbled acrosson the BBC website this morning!). But I am more confident in giving our perspective and to outline some of our motivations and the advantages in such a method of education. 

As with all years that we live, there have been encouragements, and also challenges.

Major encouragements:

·       *  Growing confidence that what we are doing is right; yes, as with all children there are difficult days, exhausting days, and times of frustration, but more and more we are starting to see real evidence of their development and thirst for knowledge. 

·        * Seeing the development of self-directed learning. Often it starts with a question, such as ‘How do you make breadsticks?’ and leads on to what could be described as an informal module on the related area – getting books from the library, perhaps watching a youtube clip if we are somewhere with sufficiently fast internet, learning about yeast, making a range of recipes, doing creative things with the dough.... Elsewhere I have posted on the diverse range of subjects which are covered through by following a curriculum of ‘daily life’, and pursuing the interests of the children. 

·        *   The clearly distinct personalities, preferences and learning styles of the boys. This reinforces to me that all children are different, and that a ‘one size fits all’ curriculum delivered to a class of 20 to 30 students is far from ideal in helping each child maximise their potential whilst overcoming their weaknesses.

·         * Meeting several other families who share our perspective and are choosing to home educate children of similar ages. Much of the literature on socialisation, and the plethora of blogs available to support home educators, speak of the value of networks and community. We have both the wider home educators network locally, and a smaller, more intimate group of Christian families with the same basic worldview. Networks both online and face to face have been a great encouragement.

·         * A ten week trip to rural Africa to serve in a mission hospital; this was practically possible largely because of the choices we have made regarding the childcare and education of our children. I was astonished at how formative these months were for the boys, and have seen them grow in understanding of different cultures, communities and worldviews; they understand what a missionary is, and why those of us who believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God who died for our sins and enables us to have a restored relationship with God see it as such an important role. During this trip, we were really able to function as afamily unit, and it brought encouragement to all of us; this has raised some interesting possibilities for the future.

·         * That my eldest has learnt his letters and some basic reading and writing without us ever sitting down and ‘learning letters’; I knew from what I had read that children learn through day to day experiences, through talking about things, through interactive play, but it was still encouraging to see this to be true!

·         * Their delight in learning languages. They are unusual for three year olds in that they speak some Chichewa, a little French and Swiss-German, can sing Christmas carols in Mandinka, and know one or two greetings in Jolla. We chose to focus on Spanish as our major foreign language because it is widely spoken and we have good friends who are fluent. It is just incredible to hear them master words and phrases which would take an adult far longer.

·        *  That we have a strong family unit, strengthened by the choices we have made regarding lifestyle, education and work. More and more I see people who are outwardly ‘successful’, however you may wish to define that, but are deeply lonely, craving community or family. I believe we are giving the boys an important secure foundation, which I hope will be of lifelong benefit to them.

These are just some examples that I jot down as I write....

Of course, there have been challenges also. 

·       *   Loneliness remains a problem. I find it easier to network online than face to face – often routines and schedules differ (for example, nap time, or families who eat together when the breadwinner returns from work compared to those who eat separately) and even when I am physically in the same place as my friends, I am often quite involved in supervising the boys and conversations are often snatched in between darting off in different directions. However, I already see changes. The older two are increasingly content to wander slightly further ahead of me on the paths we walk, and will explore the undergrowth together and talk about their findings; it is increasingly possible to have more of a chat with another person – if I can find a person who is willing to venture out on long walks regardless of the weather, and that is not always as easy as it sounds! There have been a few times over the past year where I would have valued having more of a ‘heart to heart’ with a friend. 

·        *  I have family members who have made their disapproval of our lifestyle very clear. It’s interesting, because some really object to the fact that we will spank our children when we consider the discipline issue in question to warrant it. For us, there is a clear biblical precedent, we never smack in anger, and we are always quick to praise and reward good behaviour. Yet, some (who themselves DID spank us as children!) seem to think we verge on abusive, and that the only disciplinary measure a child should ever receive is ignoring bad behaviour, or at the last resort, sitting on the ‘naughty step’ for several minutes. That is a major one which we have spoken of, but there are other more subtle disapprovals. The boys should be in nursery to socialise. We are depriving them by not having a TV. We are cruel for not allowing unlimited biscuit consumption. The boys aren’t happy (you should see my boys; they radiate joy much of the time!).... I know that the opinion of man counts for little, and it is to God that we ultimately must give account. But it is not easy!

·         * Few people really seem to understand us. That is for a whole number of reasons, and I don’t think I could say it was just our views on education. Rather, our views on education are simply the end result of our worldview and attitude towardslife. I think if you go through anything different, whether that be an unusual size or shape of family, a traumatic life event or a major success in an area, anything really, then you have fewer and fewer peers, and there are increasingly few people that you can really talk to about anything. I suppose that overlaps with my comment on loneliness... Increasingly I am seeing how our faith is utterly fundamental to how we live, and the passages of the Bible which speak of being ‘strangers and pilgrims’ in the world resonate deeply. At times, I can see this as an encouragement too; as a young Christian in the University Christian Union, I remember somebody commenting that if we never faced opposition, criticism, trial and perhaps even some level of persecution, it might be because our lives were so similar to the world around us that nobody noticed any difference. 

·          * Not having many other adults with significant regular input into the boys lives. I don’t think a stranger could do things better, but there are times when I do feel as though anybody could make a better job than the mess I am making! I tend to feel that way when the boys are tired and a little unwell (you know that kind of whingy-not-sick-enough-to-be-properly-sick, but just irritable stage). And when I think about it for more than a couple of minutes, I am thankful on those days that I am not sending them out to school or somewhere as they really do need stability, love, kindness, rest, nutritious easy to eat food and plenty of reassurance when they are like that. If in a nursery or school environment, I would have to choose between keeping them home (quite a bit it would seem at this stage!) or sending them out knowing they would struggle quite a lot.

Many of the challenges I face seem to be recurring themes, hence my post about ‘spiral curriculum’. I imagine there are certain areas which continue to be difficult, continue to be challenging, and continue to be areas of vulnerability. This reinforces once more the need to reflect on the fruit in the childrens’ lives, to celebrate the small achievements and victories, and to remember the fundamental reasons for making the choices we have.