Boys and early learning

I've been thinking again about differences between how young boys and young girls learn, and how these differences affect how we schedule our lives. There is still that questions of what is 'nature' versus 'nurture'. For example, our boys are extremely active. There is never a day that we do not go out for a walk, and on most days we have two walks one of which will be at least three miles long. If we don't have this level of activity, the boys seem to struggle to focus, there is a deterioration in standards of discipline and obedience, and things are just generally difficult. But is that because we have trained them to need this amount of time out of doors being active, or is it because they have a genuine biological need? And does that question really matter anyway?

Reading around the area, I've found some interesting evidence on how brain structure and activity differs between the sexes. This article is really useful. A PET scan is Positron Emission Tomography - it is used to determine which parts of the brain are most active during different tasks. So you could put a child in the scanner, and ask them to complete a verbal task and watch which parts of the brain light up. It is a relatively new technique and seems to be shedding a lot of genuine biological light into what parents and teachers have recognised for generations. Based on these, and other findings, leads some to recommend that schools educate boys and girls separately for educational (rather than social) reasons.

I have often been frustrated by the numbers of my friends' boys who are given a 'label' or diagnosis, when it seems that they simply have a normal, healthy, lively child who needs to have his energies focussed and channelled. Indeed, I read somewhere (cannot remember the source right now) that 25% of primary age boys in the UK are diagnosed with some degree of Special Educational Need, such as Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. It frustrates me especially because I can see how my own boys might risk such labels if they were expected to sit in a classroom for a whole day, with no fresh air and minimal opportunities for running around or choosing which activity they would like to focus on.

Several Home Schoolers have written helpful articles and blogs on how to bring the very best out of boys, tapping into all their talents, using their energy and creativity to enhance other subjects, and generally bringing them up to be men of the future. At 'The Encouraging Home', Mary Glendenin summarises 'must haves for homeschooling boys'. I've reached many of the same conclusions and have a similar approach in many ways, and wish I had read this post earlier. I particularly like the way she is honest about how being physical, getting grubby, being continually on the move and embracing non-traditional educational opportunities does not necessarily come naturally to her. Parenting is in many respects an act of sacrifice. It is not about 'me', about 'my needs', 'my choices', 'my preferences'. It is about using all our God-given resources to honour our calling to raise our children well in the midst of a godless generation. And I admit, that there are days when I would much rather curl up on the sofa with a massive pile of books than put on my waterproofs and go out in the freezing cold, but it is what my children need!

Once again, as I consider these things I am grateful for the choices we have made to homeschool. It is not always easy. There are days which are physically exhausting. Some days they can seem very focussed and do the more 'traditional' educational activities such as drawing, writing, being read to, playing games etc, but there are other days when they seem like unfocussed bundles of restless energy. My middle son can be particularly trying and perplexing at times - he will refuse to do things (such as writing) when he is quite capable when in the right mood, and there are other times when he cries and seems very upset and frustrated and we cannot work out why. Some days, we can see real breakthroughs and little by little he is gaining confidence. But I shudder to think of how he would be in a mainstream school without the individual attention, patience, gentleness and love that he needs.

It is often on the days that I find hardest, the days when I am tempted to think, 'I wish somebody else could step in here', or 'surely anybody could do this better than I am', that I realise that in fact these are the days when it is most important of all that we have the consistency, discipline, but also love and patience that the children need. And I do not imagine that our children are so very different from boys across the world.

I'd be interested to hear your comments about educating young boys!

10 reflections

I haven't blogged as much as I would like lately. I haven't spent as much time as I would like considering educational theory, learning styles, resources, schedules, timelines and goals. And yes, there have been days when I have felt a little guilty about this, before remembering that this is one of the joys of homeschooling. And also, one of the reasons I have had less time to consider the theory is because we have been busy putting things into practice. When things have been busy, I find it really helpful to stop and reflect, even if briefly. So here are 10 reflections on the past weeks:

1) Enjoying watching their different learning styles develop and finding ways to tap into both. My eldest (aged 5) I find easier to understand. He likes learning new things. He enjoys copywork, and even though he is very energetic, can sit very patiently and colour in neatly. My second (aged 4) seems more complex to me, although I recently spoke to a friend who described similarities in her son who is exactly the same age. He can write all his letters, but he seems to pretend not to remember when I try and get him to write. He will say silly things, like 's' when it is clearly an 'a'. But for some reason, he really enjoys writing on wipe-off books with dry-erase markers, and when I sit him down with these, he will write and copy beautifully. I don't know why this is, but its been very satisfying to find a system that he embraces!

2) My eldest learning to read. This is interesting. Some days seem really positive and exciting. Other days, gets quite upset when we ask him to read to us, and refuses to do it. I think part of it is frustration, perhaps being so close, and yet so far. It is difficult at times to know whether to push on, and tell him not to be silly, and that many good things require hard work to get there, or whether to leave it for another day. I probably use both approaches at different times, and can't pretend to have it all worked out yet!

3) Watching them learn to play well together, including the 2 year old. They love races. We often do staggered starts so that they all end up at about the same time. We send them on paths that form a triangle or a square, and its great to see them understand rules and competition, and to enjoy being physically tired from the effort. We've recently started going to an athletics club for 5-8 year olds, and I enjoy seeing a healthy form of competitiveness, and also discipline developing.

4) Frustrations with some of the online forums I am part of (mainly Facebook groups). I get particularly frustrated by some of the Charlotte Mason ones, which prohibit discussing any other method. I also get frustrated by those that wish to adhere so very rigidly to what one woman may have thought - for example, questions like, 'What would Charlotte Mason have thought about X, Y or Z (in modern life)?' or 'when Charlotte Mason suggested short lessons of about 20 minutes, did she mean to have a break between these or not?' - my frustration is that people seem constrained by a particular method, as though it is the gospel truth that must be adhered to with 100% accuracy. I feel grateful for the ability to embrace the best of several different methods and adapt things to our specific family dynamics. (And I have been restrained and not made comments to some of the frustrating posts,  although I think I will remove myself from some of the groups soon!)

5) Meeting a new home educating family this weekend, who have just moved to our city, who have children of similar ages to ours, and who are involved in similar professions to my husband and I. This was a great blessing and encouragement  - and also made me thankful for Facebook and forums and 'modern' ways of meeting others.

6) I've been surprised and encouraged lately by about five conversations where I have told people that we are home educating and had a very positive response. Indeed, I have not had a negative reaction for a long time. People from various walks of life have been positive about the benefits it brings, and have been very interested to know how things work out in practice. It has made me realise that we can sometimes bring our own baggage and preconceptions into conversations. I hadn't really mentioned home schooling much before, because it almost did not seem relevant. However, now the oldest two are both 'of school age' people are asking where they go, or whether they are starting in September, and so it is an ideal time to explain what we are doing. Maybe it is partly our own confidence now, maybe it is because they see the children as normal, lively, healthy and well-adjusted, I don't know what it is, but reactions seem quite different than they did two years ago when I started writing here. (Indeed one reason why I started the blog was because of feeling isolated and misunderstood!)

7) Relating to the comment above, I've been surprised by how many people have said, 'Oh, you are homeschooling' as though this was a completely normal and acceptable option. In fact, maybe it is. I am familiar with some of the data, that increasing numbers of families are choosing to home educate for a plethora of reasons. In the UK, there have been recent teachers' strikes and there is increasing disillusionment with the system. But its surprised me that people see it as a perfectly reasonable option.

8) Starting to plan the future. I've reflected before about being 'strangers and aliens' in this world, how we are simply pilgrims passing through. For some time, and particularly since the death of my daughter, I've been aware of how we can't make presumptions about tomorrow, and that the only day we are really responsible for is today. Jesus speaks about that when He tells us 'do not worry about tomorrow, for each day has trouble enough of its own'. Whilst living for today, we are aware of a transience of our situation here. Another year, and it will be another big move. The real benefit of this is that we embrace every opportunity, make the most of every day, take each moment, each relationship, each activity as it comes because we know that these things won't always be possible. Later on, we might feel sadness and loss, but right now it just enforces that we are living for today, and that feels good.

9) Long summer days, days of freedom, days of long walks and picnics, of adventures outdoors, of butterflies and barbecues, days when we pack our books and a picnic blanket together with plenty of sandwiches and just head out to where-ever we end up. These are lovely days. Often older women tell me that these were the happiest days of their lives, when they had young children around them all the time. I hold onto that - there are times when I feel so tired I am almost dizzy, but there is an innocence, simplicity and freedom that I wish I could capture and hold forever.

10 Little personalities that develop and surprise me. Yesterday morning, by husband had gone to a 6am prayer meeting, and my 5 year old said, 'Mummy, I promise you, they won't be singing. Not the men. Their voices will be like 'uuughh, ugh, ugh' [excellent impression of what a man might sound like trying to sing at 6am]. It made me laugh a lot, and also conveyed quite a lot of his understanding of things. I love the fact that every day, even the hardest of days, is filled with a reasonable amount of laughter. And at the end of the day, those are the moments I hold onto.

Each day unique

One thing I love about Home Education is that no two days are identical. There is so much flexibility to respond to situations within the family (ie discipline!), to the weather, to energy levels or lack thereof, to celebrations, to the interests of each child. I know that readers who already home educate will know exactly what I mean, but I'd like to share some recent examples:

1) Applying the Bible to current situations and challenges. We've spent a lot of time working on 'The Fruit of the Spirit'. The boys have learnt Galatians 5:22 and can recite 'love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control' (although the two year old struggles to pronounce 'self-control' and comes out with some amusing attempts). But more than that, we're really trying to teach the boys what these traits mean, what they look like, what they most certainly don't look like, and that we need God's strength within us to develop these fruit. We have a 'fruit of the spirit tree' where each branch is one of the fruit and they boys can each add a fruit when they achieve a good example of that fruit during the day. It is still quite sparse.... It's nice that we can stop here and look at the Bible in depth, look at other passages about development of godly character, and keep revisiting things rather than feeling the need to keep up with a schedule.

2) Plenty of time out of doors. This is always a great advantage of home education, but I think during the summer months we appreciate it more than ever. We have taken a pile of books and a picnic blanket and sat in a beautiful garden near our home, and have been thankful that we do not need to stay inside. We’ve done relay races that involve counting and other tasks. We’re working on playing together as a team and sharing – lessons that could be learnt in many ways I am sure, but can be useful taught with a football and a Frisbee. The there are all the specific trips that can be done alone or in groups.

3) Some friends from another country visited mid-week, and we were able to take them on a tour of the city including many of the typical tourist activities. This wouldn't have been possible had the boys been in school, and it was really interesting to hear them describing certain things about the city and the things they enjoy much. I suppose this was a form of 'narration' in some respects, as sometimes you don't realise what a child has absorbed until you hear them teaching it to others!

4) We went to Yorkshire, hiked across moorland and enjoyed both watching and riding on the steam trains. It was fabulous to see the excitement of the boys at seeing the workings of the engines, the great clouds of steam, being allowed to climb up into the engine compartment with the driver, watching them fill the tank with water etc. We spent a whole day around the railways, and because there were not so many children around, the boys were really able to make the most of the opportunities to see and explore much.

5) During our trip to Yorkshire, we visited a Baptist Church. It brought great refreshment and encouragement and my five year old was keen to come for the evening service (it was his first time of coming to evening church, as where we currently attend does not have an evening service). It was such a wonderful encouragement to sit with my son hearing the Word of God and worshipping together, and it was a delight to see his hunger for these things. An added encouragement was some teaching on the Sabbath, which was much in keeping with my understanding of things; I think God put that there, just to specifically encourage us on that point. 

6) Planning for the future, we now know that we will move back to East Africa next year, for several years. It is great to consider how our education will continue to build on what we are already doing, and to feel confident that by home educating, we can keep this area of their lives relatively stable in the face of much change. Partly because we know we will be moving on, we are keen to make the most of the opportunities which are so abundant in the UK – libraries, museums, art galleries, exhibitions, festivals, sports lessons etc. I think when you live between two very different worlds as we have done, and will continue to do, the glass is always ‘half-full’ as we embrace the unique opportunities that exist where we currently are.

7) Dressing up. This is something a little unexpected for me since we never did it as children, but I’ve been astonished to see how the boys get ‘into character’ with costumes, and start to act out things they have read about in their books. At Christmas, we had built a giant castle in the living room, out of the three-ply cardboard box that the electric piano arrived in. We had several fun lessons making shields and armour, and then they boys would often act out the roles of king and visitor, of attacker and defender (and yes, occasionally got a little rough at times). This week, one of the boys dressed up as Henry the 8^th in the art gallery, and rather than bouncing off the ceiling as he normally does, he was very stately and regal for about an hour. He was particularly thrilled to be allowed up to see the painting of Henry the 8^th whilst in his costume, and also told other visitors to the gallery all about what he was doing (quite factually correct). The only downside was that the only costume that fit my 5 year old was a dragon costume, and after having crawled around the art gallery, the dragon then ate King Henry. History has been rewritten it would seem… But in seriousness, I’m going to put together a ‘dressing up’ box before our next big move.

It's been a busy time lately, with big decisions being made - this is why I have written less in depth here. But I was keen to share an assortment of encouragements to remind you of the benefits of a method of education which can be tailored to the needs of your family and to each individual child.

Holiness: What we teach our children

Lately I have been considering holiness. What is it? What might it look like in 2014? How do we teach our children the importance of a holy, godly life without introducing legalism? Whilst the children are still in their formative years, whilst they do not yet have a transforming relationship with the risen Lord, how can our homes best model not only the love, joy, peace and hope of Christ, but also appropriate reverence and honour?

‘Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober and rest your hope fully on the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, ‘Be holy, for I am holy’. 1 Peter 1:13-16

‘Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord’ Hebrews 12:14

What does this word even mean? I often find words become somewhat corrupt with time, and the word ‘holy’ might bring certain unhealthy stereotypes to your mind. Perhaps the person who is described as ‘holier than thou’ who is basically judgemental, or maybe people who remain in a ‘holy huddle’ and do not engage with the world and its challenges and difficulties. But what does it really mean.

Quoting RC Sproul (link contains a more detailed discussion of this point), To be holy is to be separate, in a class by oneself. It is derived from an ancient word meaning ‘to cut’ or ‘to separate’. When the Bible calls God holy, it means primarily that God is transcendentally separate. He is so far above and beyond us that He seems almost foreign to us. To be holy is to be ‘other’, to be different in a special way.

To be holy is to be morally pure. But it is more than just purity. ‘Who may ascend into the hill of the Lord? And who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who has not lifeted up his soul to an idol, and has not sworn deceitfully’. Psalm 23:3-4

The first ever Bible study I did was on holiness. I was seventeen years old, in my first year at university and had been a Christian for about three months. I had acquired an exhaustive concordance, and basically looked up ‘holy’, ‘holiness’ etc and worked through, verse after verse. Many of the references were found in the Old Testament books of the law, particularly Leviticus. It became clear to me that the punishment for anything that fell short of God’s perfect holiness was death. Often this could be appeased for through the complex sacrifices which were offered day after day, month after month, year after year. But it was only through Christ’s death, His atoning sacrifice once and for all, that we have the liberty to ‘approach the throne of grace with confidence and boldness’. (Hebrews 4:16). I think Christians can become blasé to what Christ has saved us from. (I would recommend you read Leviticus and then read Hebrews immediately afterwards to really appreciate this amazing salvation).

Lately I have been shocked (and I do not think that too strong a word to use) by a few things. One example was our Bible study being cancelled for an ‘evangelistic’ event of watching the football and drinking beer (or at least the beer drinking was not compulsory, but it was clearly on offer). I really struggle with this type of thing; yes, we are called to be ‘in the world but not of the world’ (John 17), and yes, we need to build some level of relationship with those around us to be in a position whereby they ask us ‘to give the reason for the hope that you have’ 1 Peter 3:15, but are we not at risk of becoming so like the world that there is no distinction? This is not to mention my concerns about serving alcohol at church events (described extremely frankly by a friend of mine. I do not think Christians need be fully abstinent, but I do think we need to be very wise, and if there is any doubt then to abstain).

I think to fully cover how we can be in the world, actively proclaiming the gospel, drawing alongside those that do not know God from all walks of life and all nations, and yet remain pure, distinct and holy would require at least half a dozen books. (I’d love to know your recommendations if you have any!). The Apostle Paul is often quoted for saying ‘Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win  the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law…I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some’ 1 Corinthians 9:19-22. What I think the enormous challenge is, is how we do that, without compromising our own holiness. Of course a point of great importance is that holiness has a lot to do with our heart attitude towards the Lord, to do with our own reverence, and that this is something which is only seen by God. One could do all the ‘right’ things, yet simply be exercising legalism and so not bringing God glory. Conversely, I am sure you can think of examples where somebody has been criticised by the established Christian organisations (churches or mission organisations) for being too worldly, yet has achieved much for the Kingdom of God. Hudson Taylor was spurned by some of the other missionaries because he chose to live and dress like a Chinese man, growing his hair long and dying it dark; in that respect he paved the way for much of what is now taught about cross-cultural work. It might not be appropriate for somebody engaged in a ministry to the homeless and street workers to wear a smart suit and a shirt and tie. These are examples of external things. One could argue that it is not possible to reach those who enjoy going out for a drink without going to the places where these drinks are served.

Sometimes the key is whether something is done with what could be termed ‘gospel intentionality’. Is a person really going to a certain place, dressing a certain way, consuming a certain type of food and drink, exposing themselves to particular music and entertainment in order to reach others with the good news of Jesus Christ? Really? If so, then they should also have prayer partners who are aware of this, who are praying for their witness and who will hold that person accountable to remain pure and holy in that situation, and to stand firm in the face of temptation. I knew many students who were active in the Christian Union who would go to nightclubs to ‘witness to their friends’, but often what I would see was the much stronger pull of the world on my Christian friend who would then fall into sin and compromise, and achieve the exact opposite of what their spoken intention was. And on honest reflection, I was guilty of the same error in certain situations; my initial intention might have been good, but did I really achieve anything of eternal value? 

With my children, the types of questions that arise when I consider personal holiness include:

1)      What entertainment they are exposed to (we do not have a television, something I have discussed here before)

2)      What books they read (so many childrens’ books seem to glorify disobedience and dishonouring of parents, and the stories for slightly older children often have a sinister, slightly occult theme running through)

3)      What clothes they wear, trying to teach the importance of being appropriate for the circumstance (and I am often relieved I have boys, because some of the clothes that are sold for young girls do not encourage purity and modesty, and possibly leave those girls vulnerable)

4)      What we talk about and how we talk to each other and about other people

5)      Standards of discipline when out and about in a group

6)      And so often we quote Philippians 1:27 ‘whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of Christ’

The second, related issue which has bothered me relates to the Sabbath. When Moses received the ten commandments, these included ‘Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. Six days you shall labour and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor the stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it’. Exodus 20:8-11. I have never heard a professing evangelical Christian claim that any of the other nine commandments are no longer relevant, but honouring the Sabbath is often seen as a little quaint and old-fashioned, or frankly legalistic. Why should this be? And it seems so ‘controversial’ that pastors are afraid to preach about it plainly and it is often glossed over as a matter of individual conscience at Bible studies. But the word of the Lord is there, and I believe it to be of great importance.

This link is to a helpful discussion of why the Sabbath is still important. Thinking more specifically about our children, what do I want them to learn?

1)      That we have a special day to really focus on the worship of God which is the most important thing of all

2)      That God has given us this special day not for mundane tasks that can be done at other times, but for worship, for fellowship, for taking time to enjoy the gifts He has given. This is a delight, not a burden.

3)      That one can prioritise and do everything that is truly necessary in six days; the only times when one should work on a Sunday would be when there is an unforeseen situation (Jesus talks about the man whose sheep falls into a ditch on the Sabbath and points out that it would be daft not to pull it out because that might be considered ‘work’) or when we are scheduled to work (this might apply to nurses, policemen, doctors, etc)

4)      That we can trust God. He promises ‘those that honour Me, I will honour’; even when we feel pressures of exams or preparation, we should trust God by working hard six days and then resting on the Sabbath.

What I find challenging is when well-meaning Christians undermine this, almost laughing at the idea of holiness in our current generation. I don’t think we always get things right by any means – there may be times when we are inconsistent, or where we set a rule or a standard that is not required. But the principle of keeping the day separate, special, holy must remain.

A challenge with children is that when they have not developed that relationship with  the Lord, they will not fully understand our motivation. We want them to see that Christianity is not about rules and regulations, about things they cannot do, but about God’s grace, provision, protection and about His love towards us as His children. As I have written before, it is so important that as parents we model this to them, and that they see our passionate love for Christ and our delight at living within the boundaries that He gives us.

I’d love to know how  other Christian parents approach some of these issues, and whether you have helpful resources you can recommend!

Unless the Lord builds the house....

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Psalm 127 v 1-2

Jesus said, 'What does it profit a man to gain the whole world yet forfeit his soul?' (Matthew 16:26, Mark 8:36, Luke 9:25 - clearly very important if recorded so clearly in three of the four gospels!)

We've been talking about this quite a lot in our household lately. The boys have been asking what 'in vain' means, and what 'futile' means. It is interesting to find ways to explain!

But one of the best ways we can teach our children is through our own attitudes and focus. Do we live as though Christ is our all? Or do we live as though this world is our home and our security? When we talk and dream about the future, what comes across most? Is it our own ambitions, or is it that 'Whatever happens we may conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of Christ'? (grammatical alteration of Philippians 1:27, the verse I have written across the top of the white-board on which we scribble our goals and aims). When we approach challenges and decisions, what do we communicate to our children. 'Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks' (Luke 6:45).

Whatever is going on in your life - whether life is simply ticking over, or whether you face a major decision, what is your highest goal? What matters most?

Psalm 127 is interesting - people tend to either quote the first part (as I have one above) or the second part (verses 3-5) which reads:

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
    when they contend with their opponents in court.

I haven't ever heard anybody speaking about this psalm bring the two together, but I think those of us who have children, particularly those of us who seek to raise our children with a Biblical worldview, can gain much from reflecting on this.

As we prioritise the things of God in the midst of a 'crooked and depraved generation' (cf Philippians 2), we may suffer 'loss' in worldly terms. We may not have a large and beautiful home, we may not have financial and material security, we may not be popular among our 'peer group' (whoever a peer group might happen to be - I'm thinking of mums groups, or work colleagues, or sometimes family members, who often feel uncomfortable with our simple home educating lifestyles, and sometimes see it is a direct criticism of their choices). We may have to turn down work opportunities, we may not always be able to do the things that we would personally find most fun because our children come first. 

But the Bible is clear (and Psalm 127 is just one example). Our children are a gift from God, a blessing, an inheritance. And our responsibilities as parents are not to be abdicated, avoided or ignored. We may say that our greatest goal is for them to grow up to love and serve God - but is that reflected in our choices, our words, our actions? 

If you struggle with this (keeping God your focus, accepting worldly loss for His glory, being willing to lay down your personal dreams and 'idols') then spend some time praying about it. It is not a secret to God, and I believe it is something many of us struggle with from time to time. Its important that we have a strong and healthy relationship with God (its important for many other reasons too!) if we want our children to grow with a godly worldview and set of priorities.

How does grief change with time?

Recently a couple of people have asked me how things seem now, six years after our daughter died. One of the first big changes is simply the pace of life – now that we have three young boys, and are both working part-time (which involves quite a lot of hours and a lot of juggling of schedules) there simply isn’t all that much time to really stop and think about it. Or at least, there doesn’t seem to be time to really reflect on things but that does not mean we do not think about her, some days more than others. We’ve recently passed through the strange week in May, where we remember her death and our second son’s legal adoption exactly two years later, and our first son’s birthday three days after that. That week is always a strange jumble of emotions, and really it is a reminder that God’s timing is perfect, that He can bring hope out of sorrow, and that He simply does not make mistakes.

There are some things which are harder as the years go by. When she died, we had been living in one African country, and then were evacuated to Johannesburg for the six weeks of her illness. We returned for a further two years after she had died, and during that time our next son was born (during a four month stay in the north east of Scotland, where we had never been and where we had no friends or family at the time when we arrived) and our second son was adopted. He had his life-threatening illness around that time, and by the time we returned to our UK base four years ago, we had a one year old and a recovering seven month old. A lot of the drama had passed, and the people who had walked beside us during those challenges were now many thousand miles away. Of course some people in the UK had met our daughter before we moved back to Africa when she was three weeks old, and many came to the funeral. But that was not the same as living the events with us.

I think that is the thing that is hardest now. I do not know whether it is a result of our itinerant lifestyle, or whether this is normal after several years, but people simply don’t remember or know that we even had a daughter. It can be a dilemma for me when meeting new people who often remark on our boys, whether or not to speak about her. Sometimes it just seems to make others uncomfortable. Much depends on context; if I think it is relevant or helpful I will talk about her. I always say I have four children, but then people are so taken with the three boys so close together in age that they forget to ask about the fourth. It’s often easier that way.

We never wanted to define ourselves as people who had lost a child. I do not wish to seem harsh, but it does seem that in countries where child death is a less frequent occurrence that a family who has a child die can be almost smothered by the responses of others. And yet at the same time, there is a distance, that ‘we can’t possibly imagine what you have been through’ kind of response. We were always clear that we were thankful for her life, and that God in His wisdom would be more glorified through that short life than through many much longer lives. And if God is glorified, and she is now perfectly restored in heaven, then what is there to be sad about? And on one level, it really is as simple as that. It certainly is to the other children, who cannot really understand why we get sad from time to time. For them, it is something to rejoice about and to look forward to!

However, despite that, perhaps more so now, I sometimes do wish that people remembered. There have been a couple of instances lately where I have found people a little insensitive as they have spoken with lack of faith about more minor illnesses in children, or where people have tended to put parents of an ill child on some kind of pedestal as though they have shown some kind of extremely remarkable faith. I don’t wish to sound unkind, and some of it may be me coveting a bit of human sympathy or encouragement myself. There are times when I feel like pointing out that sometimes children do die, and that is not a result of anybody’s lack of faith, nor is it a reason to fall apart, but rather that God knows the day ordained for each of us. Sometimes I want to point out that in the city where we were living when she died, one woman in two would have a child die under the age of five. It was so normal, so much part of life, that without minimising the sadness and sorrow, there was no room for dramatic emotions, and over the top responses. Sometimes I want to tell people to open their eyes to the world around them, to turn on the radio for just a few minutes or to read a newspaper, and then they will realise just how comfortable and easy many of us have things here.

In some ways this is good. I feel very aware of how simple life can be, and of what a blessing it is to have a roof over our head, to have sufficient food, to have jobs which are challenging and enjoyable as well as providing enough money, to have family, to have friends, to be able to worship in freedom, to be able to read the Bible in our own language. I think part of this appreciation comes from knowing we cannot take that for granted. Some of this will be due to our daughter’s death, and some of it will be from having lived in several low resource countries and having seen the harsh realities there.

Sometimes I try to work out what it is that makes us feel different. The Bible talks in several places about being ‘strangers and aliens in the world’, or in other translations, ‘pilgrims’. I don’t think a Christian should ever feel fully ‘at home’ in this world, because our whole worldview is based on eternity. The Apostle Peter writes about trials which come for a time, in order that our faith, which is of greater worth than gold, which perishes though refined by the fire, may be proven genuine and result in praise, glory and honour at the revelation of Christ’. Paul talks about ‘light and momentary afflictions which are achieving a weight of eternal glory’. If our true home is in heaven, then nothing in this world (home, material possessions, jobs) should really tie us down, these things are all temporary. But I think there is another sense of restlessness. I had an interesting conversation about that with another family whose daughter died a couple of years ago, where they described the same restlessness. I think we know the reality of heaven, and there are days when we simply long for this life to be over, and to be reunited not only with our children, but to see the glorious reality of Christ face to face. The other factor that can make us feel a bit misunderstood is having moved around so much and having seen a different side of life. We find it difficult to relate to people who are keen to settle in a nice house in suburbia, get their children in to the right schools, and basically stay put living a quiet life for the next twenty or thirty years. There may well be nothing wrong with this, and that kind of stability can lead to strong relationships being built, commitment to a particular church, and from these, clear communication of the truth and hope of the gospel. But it is not easy for us to relate, because we tend to live one day at a time, perhaps having a ‘medium term’ plan, but always with the knowledge that God could change it all in an instant.

It is very rare that either of us will have a proper conversation about our daughter. Sometimes I long for that. I would love to sit with a friend and talk through her photo album, to laugh and to cry, to remember and to reflect. We don’t really have that level of relationship, again partly because we have moved around (since returning from Africa four years ago, we have lived in four cities in three different countries). Part of it is the pace and schedule of our life-work balance – that we often have work related tasks to complete in the evening, or are hosting Christian events or are attending our mid-week meetings, or there are additional professional training events to attend, and once a week or so we will both be on clinical duties until about 10pm. We home educate our children – there are many reasons for this, partly because it offers good solid continuity as we move around, but even more importantly, we can build the biblical worldview which is our greatest priority for them, embrace the opportunities that arise day to day, allow each child to progress at their own pace in each subject, allow them space and time for imaginative play and a ‘real childhood’ and to encourage the formation of healthy relationships across ages and different sectors of society. But this also takes time and effort, and whilst the boys are young, it is not often possible to have an in depth conversation with a friend.

Most of the time, I am content about this. Each day is filled with blessings and encouragements, yes there are also challenges, but there is purpose and direction. We are responsible before God for how we live for today, not for our reminiscence about yesterday or our dreams about tomorrow. And so we live very much in the present, looking forward to a future with hope. Sometimes it is simple pragmatism. Some things matter, others don’t. And there is no point in getting upset over things that have no lasting value. There is a kind of steadiness and maybe even emotional maturity, whereas when I was younger I would tend to get into a spiral of despair about something which was perhaps trivial, and which certainly could not be changed.

But alongside this, I am so moved when anybody does mention my daughter. There are those friends, although separated by many miles who really did walk with us, bringing comfort and encouragement. These are the people who really understand us. When I receive an email or text message that reminds me of her, or that tells me that others remember her, my heart sings. Often as I spend time out of doors with the boys, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the beauty of creation, as the boys run ahead, climbing and jumping, racing, laughing, playing, then I remember her, I remember the soft, warm bundle of hope that she was, and despite the beauty that surrounds me, know that there is something even more magnificent ahead of us.

In praise of 'Living Books'

I wonder if you have heard the term 'Living Book'? I hadn't until I started to read about education, and particularly when considering the Charlotte Mason style approaches. But as with many aspects of educational theory, just because I was unfamiliar with the term, I recognised the concept immediately.

A good summary of what makes a living book is found here. It is a book written by an author who is passionate about the subject. It is gripping, and makes the reader want to read on. Characters are three-dimensional and become like friends to the reader. Specific historical facts are placed in a context whereby the are absorbed and remembered without the feeling of having to learn a list of times and dates. These books can be either fiction or non-fiction.

We've been enjoying 'living books' in our home this past year. None of the children is yet reading independently (beyond the 'early readers' which consist of about 20-30 words). But we spend many hours cuddled up together with either parent reading, and today we took a picnic blanket and some books to a beautiful nearby ornamental garden.

Here are some of my reflections and recommendations:

The Little Lights publications are lovely. My 2 year old particularly like the stories of Hudson Taylor and Mary Slessor. These are illustrated, and contain a very simplified version of the biography. But the gospel truths are clearly presented and not dumbed down at all. I'd highly recommend these.

Then, there are the Lightkeepers books. These are in volumes containing 10 stories each. 10 boys who changed the world. 10 boys who made a difference. 10 girls who didn't give up - etc. These stories focus very much on the childhood of the individual described, and that is helpful as the boys are able to relate to the people on their own level. For example, it was after reading about how Adoniram Judson learnt to read from the Bible when he was 4 years old that my then 4 year old decided it was time he learnt to read from the Bible! I don't know how many of the childhood anecdotes are true, but again they are engaging and clearly present the gospel.

More recently, we have read some Trailblazer books, specifically one about Mary of Orange, and another about Adoniram Judson. The one about Mary of Orange was captivating. I knew little of English history, particularly not about how much was shaped by the reformation. Whilst following the story of Mary, who as a slightly reluctant queen, served God wholeheartedly. A week or so later, when we got a book about the 'Tudors and Stewarts' out of the library, a lot made more sense (to both me, and to the boys). These books do not shy away from the pain encountered by these people - for example in the story of Adoniram Judson, many missionary wives and babies died, with Adoniram himself being predeceased by two wives, and having at least six children die in early childhood. I was a little concerned as to whether I should abridge certain sections, avoiding some of these more difficult topics. But as many of us have observed, children take things at face value. In our family, we have had one baby die, and we know quite a number of similar families. So it actually helps in some ways for them to realise that death is a very real part of life, not something to be afraid of , but something to remind us of the need to make every day count for God.

Other than biographies, we have enjoyed reading aloud some novels which I would also count as living books:

Little House on the Prairie - a fabulous story of a pioneer family moving across America. Life is hard, there is a need to build their own houses, hunt their own food, to be very self-sufficient and for the children to enjoy games without an abundance of toys and 'entertainment'. I was a little uncomfortable about some of the attitudes towards Native Americans, almost that it was right that they be driven from the land which had been their home for generations. However, when I reflected on this, it makes an interesting discussion point. As with the comment above, we tend to want to sanitise things. History can be presented in a revisionist manner. But in fact the attitudes which made me uncomfortable would probably have been the norm for pioneer families.

Swallows and Amazons, and the series of books that follows on. I love these books. I remember loving them as a child, and my boys are no different. Here you have children really celebrating childhood. Good, clean, wholehearted fun out of doors, with a delightful component of imaginative play, but also good common sense and strong moral values. For example, Titty the 'Able Seaman' lives in a little fantasty world at  times, imagining danger on the 'high seas', considering herself an early explorer to a far off land, approaching life with strong emotions. Susan, the 'mate' is very sensible and practical, making sure that everybody eats a regular balanced diet, gets sufficient sleep, is dressed in clean dry clothes and that supplies are packed for every eventuality. All of them worry about causing offence, and honouring their parents whilst having lots of fun is a recurrent theme ('we must not do so and so, because daddy said....'). I've loved watching my boys invent their own games, calling out to one another 'hoist the mainsail' and asking questions about why somebody responded to something in a particular way.

I find these novels which are very much based in 'real life' most appropriate at the age of my children (5, 4, 2). I tried CS Lewis, 'The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe' which is not a book I ever read as a child, but which many friends had recommended. But the boys struggled with the line between fantasy and reality, and couldn't understand why something was not real. (Whereas in Swallows and Amazons, it is clear what is real and what is imaginative play). Additionally, there were times when the siblings were quite unkind to one another, whereas in Swallows and Amazons, there is never any bickering. Regarding the distinction between fantasy and reality I imagine I would find similar issues with Tolkien at their current ages too.

I've been quite amazed to see how these books influence the children - and by selecting books which I hope will have a positive influence, I am seeing what I consider to be healthy play. I'm also noting an expansion in their vocabulary (some of the older books have a much richer use of English) and an appreciation for different characters.

Whilst I don't stick wholeheartedly to a single curriculum or teaching method, I am extremely appreciative of 'living books' and I can see that these will form a cornerstone of our education for years to come. I remember reading about the Shaeffer family (founders of L'Abri ministries, and also proponents of Charlotte Mason educations) that even in adulthood, they would sit round the fire together reading aloud in the evenings. It seemed quaint when I read this, but actually is something which I hope our family will continue with! Also, should I buy into a curriculum in the future, I would lean towards a literature-based method such as Sonlight.