What God teaches through our children. Part 3: Feeble efforts

Every stage of parenting brings new blessings. I often feel slightly mixed – sad that a phase of life is over, but at the same time, excited to see my child grow, progress and reach milestones. Some of them are particularly memorable – starting to crawl or the first steps taken, when the child can start to show some independence and get where he wants to go. Perhaps even more exciting for me has been the development of speech, as they children are increasingly able to communicate, reflecting their personalities, their questions, their interests, their formative sense of humour.... I try to not rush ahead, but to enjoy each day for what it brings, and that is one of the reasons we have chosen to home educate, as we have the time and the space to embrace these developments. 

Having considered God’s unconditional love and then how the disobedience and continual need for discipline can help us see something of God’s great grace and forgiveness towards us, I now want to reflect upon a different element of the relationship. I want to think about encouragement. As with other areas, this is something we can struggle with whilst living in an achievement-focussed, results-orientated society. Do we judge ourselves on what we have achieved or produced during a day? Do we consider our lives to have more meaning and purpose when we can catalogue what we have done and display results? As I have previously mentioned, I know this is something which I battle with perhaps more than others. I was brought up to ‘achieve my potential’, and to develop perfectionist tendencies which are wont to stifle the enjoyment of anything. There was no point in doing anything if I could not be the best. Even a Grade A might not be good enough, if I did not win the prize. What is the point of running if you don’t win a medal? And so, I utterly missed the point. I missed the beauty in the world which surrounded me, I completely lost sight of the enjoyment that could be gained through arts, music and creativity, and I started to despise myself as I could not always achieve to the level I desired.

Is that how God sees us? Is that an attitude I would want any of my children to inherit? I pray not! I have previously considered what our highest aims for our children are.

Consider a child learning to walk. Can they do it perfectly from the very first day? Of course not! Unsteady standing, cautious looking around them, and then one day, wait, was that a step? Was it really their first step or was it just a shuffle of their foot before they fell? I’m going to call it a step! Fantastic! Let’s have another go. Stand up, try again....whoops! Never mind, let’s have another go. Camera at the ready, proud parents beaming, stumble bump. And again! We don’t look at our children and think, ‘That’s really pathetic’, or ‘Come on, how long is it going to take you to get the hang of it?’ Hopefully we also don’t think, ‘That’s useless; little Johnny down the road mastered it months ago!’ No, we delight in these first achievements, we celebrate them, we encourage and we continue to encourage. Some time later, the child can walk to the park. Do we chide them because they can only walk one mile rather than three? Of course not! But when the child is older, we would expect a reasonable amount more... I could draw the same analogy from many other milestones. Their first paintings, splotched colours on a sheet of paper... The first attempts to form letters and numbers, although they are unintelligible. Starting to sing... Dancing, which for my eldest resembles something that an embarrassingly extrovert uncle might do at a wedding! As parents, we are simply delighted to see the child develop, to gain and use new skills, to be able to express themselves and to learn and grow. It is worthy of celebration!

Where am I going with this analogy? The first thing is that we are just too hard on ourselves at times. Do we get frustrated when we don’t do something perfectly? Perhaps we are trying something we have not done before – baking a certain recipe, a new craft, leading a small group, public speaking, writing a blog... Do we give up, rather than enjoying the process? Secondly, we judge things wrongly. In Isaiah Chapter 11, we read how God ‘will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears; but with righteousness he will judge the needy, with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth.’ He sees the attitudes and motives, and makes a correct assessment. Are we afraid to step out into new areas because of fear of failure? On the car radio last week, I heard part of a discussion regarding how fear of failure is almost endemic within British society today, and the negative consequences this can have on our lives. Often these discussions reach unhelpful conclusions, suggesting that we ‘have strength within us’ or that somehow there is something within ourselves which enables us to overcome the challenges we face; I would disagree entirely and suggest that it is only as we become new creations in Christ that we can do so. ‘Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!’ (2 Corinthians 5 verse 17)

Do we encourage one another? It is one thing to think of cheering on our children, but what about more generally? What about people who are taking bold steps of faith in their lives? Sometimes these things may seem feeble to us, but do we ‘Consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.’ (Hebrews 10 verses 24 and 25) When we look at how we delight as our children step forward and try new things, sometimes in a ‘two steps forward, one step back’ manner, do we see that God our Father similarly delights when we seek to trust Him and live for Him? Hebrews Chapter 11 is often referred to as the ‘faith hall of fame’- we are given a summary of many of the men and women of faith encountered throughout history. Moving into Chapter 12, we are encouraged, ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.’ (Hebrews 12 verses 1-3) A great cloud of witnesses… This is paraphrased in The Message as ‘pioneers who blazed the way…. Veterans cheering us on’. The imagery is of us running a race, exhausted, perhaps stumbling, but being cheered on and encouraged by those who have gone before. But who are these champions of faith? Were they all perfect? Did they all steadily develop in their faith without setbacks, episodes of disobedience, failure, doubt and outright sin? By no means! Look in more detail at some of their lives, and you can see clearly how God uses ‘real’ people, those who have weaknesses and shortcomings and failings, in His purposes. The key is not that they succeeded time after time, but that they came back to God as David did, praying, ‘Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions…. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me….’ Psalm 51 In the prophecy of Isaiah, we are reminded that ‘The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’ (Isaiah 40 verse 28-31).  

As we look at our children, tentatively making their first steps and their first attempts at new things, holding tightly to our hands, let us seek a similar relationship with God. Let us trust that He is pleased with our efforts, and will guide us and strengthen us as we seek Him. Let us not be excessively discouraged by our shortcomings and failures, but quick to return to the Lord, quick to say that we are sorry and try again. Let us understand more of His fatherhood towards us.

What God teaches through our children. Part 2: Grace and patience

I am often amazed by the different perspective having children brings to many areas of life, and for me it has been particularly helpful as I consider the relationship between God, our everlasting Father, and us as His children. Previously, I reflected on how even the smallest, most helpless baby is precious and could not be loved more. Today, I want to consider some things I have learnt as my children have grown.

I am often amazed by the gentleness and compassion of God. ‘A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.’ (Isaiah 42 verse 3). He is a God of encouragement. ‘Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem…’ (Isaiah 40 verses 1-2) ‘But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.’ (Psalm 86 verse 15) ‘The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.’ (Psalm 145 verse 8). Through Christ, we are promised empathy, ‘For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.’ (Hebrews 4 verse 15). Jesus invited, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.’ (Matthew 11:28-29) But do we forget these things?

Our society is very ‘results orientated’ and very achievement focused. Personally, this is a worldview that I battle against, as it speaks of the wisdom of this world, rather than the things of God. ‘For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.’ (1 Corinthians 3 verse 19) I grapple with the fact that God does not love me based on what I have done or accomplished for Him, but rather because of who He is and for His glory. It is not about me! But how do you feel as a Christian when you fail? I think we all have areas of weakness in our lives, things which continue to tempt us to sin, tempt us to take our eyes off the things which really matter, things which bring us sorrow. These will differ from one person to the next. But how do you feel when you have made the same mistake again? When you have come before God in tears, asking for His forgiveness and committing to do better from then on, only to stumble at the same point time and time again? Do you believe God continues to forgive? Do you accept His forgiveness? Do you forgive yourself? After hearing what is known as ‘The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant’, the apostle ‘Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times”. The number seven is taken to represent perfection. Jesus was teaching that we must continue to forgive time after time after time, and that we can trust that God does the same for us.

What has this to do with toddlers? Well, if you have one, you will see a lot of this! ‘Sorry mummy, I won’t do it again’.’I didn’t mean to do it!’ ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry!’ But even as they say the words, you know that the same act of disobedience will occur again, within a short period. But you don’t run out of patience, but seek to correct your child and set them on the right path, seeking to ‘Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.’ (Proverbs 22 verse 6) Really? Or do you get exasperated at times? Do you feel frustrated and worn out? Do you feel as though you are on one of those ‘stairmasters’ at the gym where you continually climb to nowhere, going round and round and round? Or a hamster, trapped in its wheel? Have you ever had one of those days, where you feel almost defeated by a certain ‘battle’ (whether that be a mealtime issue, or bedtime shenanigans or some other recurring theme)? But then, once you child is asleep, you look at their peaceful innocence and feel nothing but overwhelming love, and feel a little ashamed at having felt strong emotions earlier in the day? I think I am not alone in some of this! And it reminds me just how incredible it is that God continues to love us, perfectly, steadfastly, sacrificially. We are often just like toddlers who deliberately tip their milk over their dinner for the fourth time in one day. We rebel and wrestle against the holy paths we have been called to walk. Sometimes we sulk, sometimes we ignore God, sometimes we want to shout and scream. But God continues to be compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love. And the things we do before God are far more abhorrent than the misdemeanors of a toddler! It amazes me. It causes me to feel very humble. It makes me realize just how small and feeble I am before the Creator of the Universe. And it makes me realize yet again that I could never earn any of this. I could not be ‘good enough’. I could not ‘achieve enough’. I can only accept the gift that is offered with gratitude. Ephesians Chapter 2 verse 8 and 9 says this beautifully, ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.’

Through raising young children, I can see more of God’s incredible love, patience, gentleness, forgiveness and compassion towards us. I appreciate more of just how perfect these attributes and virtues are! As I pray for peace, patience and wisdom in raising my family, I also pray that I can walk steadfastly, but never think that I can earn God’s love. I pray that today, I can rest in His love, knowing that it is entirely a gift of grace.

What God teaches through our children. Part 1: Babies

Recently, I hinted that I should write a blog post on some of the amazing things that God teaches us through young children. 

Four and a half years ago, my firstborn child was about eight weeks old when I wrote the following words to a friend in an email. The friend was struggling with difficulties such as anorexia and depression, and struggling to see the value in her life. Amidst other things, I reflected on what having a baby had taught me:

‘Here I have this tiny, completely helpless bundle of life. For the first six weeks, I do not think she could see my face. There was nothing she did that in any way acknowledged that I was there (except her physical need for my breasts!). I could barely walk for a few weeks, was tired from having lost lots of blood, now was getting about four hours of interrupted sleep a night and trying so hard to make sense of what I should be doing, and she would reward me by screaming at me, peeing on me, vomiting on me etc. And yet, there is this most OVERWHLEMING love for her. I adore her. From the moment I saw her enter the world, my husband says I have never smiled as much. I can easily sit for hours and hours just holding her, singing to her, praying for her. She has done nothing whatsoever to earn my love. And yet, I cannot imagine it possible to love a person more. This goes against so many things we have been taught. We are taught that our value is in what we have achieved. What we look like. Even as a Christian, perhaps in terms of our faith or maturity or service of others. We judge ourselves in this way also. But what does the Bible say? It tells us that all our righteous acts are like filthy rags (Isaiah 64 verse 6). It reminds us that whilst we are yet sinners then Christ died for us (Romans 5 verse 8). We are told that we should become as little children to enter the kingdom of heaven. NOTHING we do can make God love us more, make us more acceptable, make us more part of His kingdom. I think maybe sometimes we know the verses, especially when we have been Christians a while, but don't really appreciate the depth of what that means. Similarly, when we think about the people we value most in our lives - it is not because of what they have done or what they look like, but who they ARE. Why do we judge ourselves so harshly, why do we strive for more, for better, when in fact we are as God made us with all our weaknesses, frailties, idiosyncracies? 'For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them'. Eph 2:10. How can God have prepared these things for us before we were even born? Before we had achieved anything? Because of who He has made us to be....

Another thing I have learnt with my daughter is the importance of taking each day as it comes. Yes, we are all familiar with Matthew 6: 'Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble', but how often do we truly live that way. How often when we pray 'Give us today our daily bread' do we really trust that God will supply ALL our needs for that day. And then if tomorrow brings a cold wind of change, then God will CONTINUE to provide. She changes a lot every day. Now at two months, she can smile, follow my face, interact, make little cooing noises, begin to try to sit up. She is no longer that totally fragile bundle of fluff she once was. Many friends have told me to enjoy every moment because these days pass so quickly, and I praise God that through our circumstances and blessings I am able to take this time just to be with her and enjoy these days. If tragedy were to strike and she were to die tomorrow, I would still be able to say that these have been two of the most precious months I have ever known, and that my life is so much richer having known her. I would not look back and wish I had enjoyed her more, or that I wish I hadn't been rushing around trying to fit so much in around her. Like people often say, nobody gets to the end of life and wishes they had spent more time in the office, but many people regret never having told their loved ones how precious they were, or having spent time with the people who meant most. There are days when I get loads of housework and cooking do, do a couple of hours of work on my project, send half a dozen emails, choose the hymns for Sunday's service, meet a friend for coffee, have guests for dinner and then go out to Bible study, and these are great. There are other days when my husband gets home and the breakfast things are still on the table and I have barely moved from the sofa where I have been with my daughter all day. Which day is of more value? On which day have I been a 'better' person? You see what I mean?

These words are especially poignant as I commented ‘even if tragedy were to strike and she were to die tomorrow’... Was that a strange thing to have said? Because within the week, she had suffered an unexplained cardiac arrest, never fully regained consciousness and died six weeks later. And how I thank God for her life! The words I spoke then are true, and I am grateful to God that I was able to have that perspective, even despite a difficult pregnancy and delivery. I am grateful that I was able to take a step back from the hectic pace of life and the relentless expectations that seem to be placed on us, and truly marvel at the gift of life that my daughter was.

I could go on to talk more about what God teaches us through older children, as they make attempts to succeed and fail, as they start to walk and run, but fall, as they begin to test out boundaries and limits, showing their true sinful natures, and yet their childlike faith and trust. But I think that belongs in a separate post, and for now I’ll leave you with the lessons that God taught through a baby girl who lived for fifteen weeks.

Out of the mouths of babes...

Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory in the heavens. Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them. Psalm 8 verses 1-4

Last week we heard the news that an elderly friend of ours is terminally ill. When we told the children, their first response was to ask whether she would see their sister when she got to heaven. We asked them what they thought happened in heaven, and the immediate response was that you worship God, and sing. ‘God of glory, we exalt your name!’ It encouraged me greatly to hear their genuine and unemotional response to the sad situation. People die, and if they know and love the Lord Jesus, then they go to heaven which is a wonderful place where there is no more sadness, pain or death, but only perfect and eternal rejoicing. To them, it sounds like an exciting adventure; we need to recapture some of that innocence and faith. Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” What does that mean, but that we should continue to have that childlike faith which does not look for complications, does not get bogged down by the trials and pressures of life, but looks upward to a God for whom nothing is impossible.

Several years ago, a seven year old girl was probably the person who helped me most following the death of my daughter. She wanted to talk about her. She wanted to look at her photos, time after time after time. She asked the important questions about illness and death, and talked in a refreshingly simple way about heaven and what that meant. Adults often shy away from such conversations, feeling that certain topics are in some way taboo. And yet children retain that honesty and simplicity and can often see things in a way far beyond what we would imagine.

And yet it is easy to dumb things down for our children. To consider a certain topic or issue too complex or too ‘adult’ to discuss with them. To present simplified and sanitized versions of some of the Bible stories. For example, looking at the story of Noah – we talk about the ark, and the flood, and the rainbow which accompanied God’s promise. But what happened to everybody else who lived at that time? Why was the flood sent? Has God changed? Do we miss the more important message of a holy God who abhors sin? That might just be one example. Time after time I have been astonished by the clarity of perception that children have. But should we be surprised? I don’t think so. It does not, for example, surprise us when children quickly learn that they can pit parents off against one another. Or that birthday and Christmas celebrations are often accompanied by gifts and special food. Or even be able to memorise lengthy songs and nursery rhymes. They can both memorise and perceive unspoken nuances of situations and conversations. But we can expect so little of them, and in doing so, lose some of the opportunity to tap into this hunger and understanding that seems to be a God given gift. Psalm 8 is often quoted, but do we really think about what that means? Even a child who cannot yet speak, an infant, can rejoice in God and there is real power in those praises. I thank God for this truth, and pray that as our children grow, they do not lose their childlike faith and trust in Him.