Adoption and Labelling

What does adoption mean? It is a legal process whereby an individual acquires the same status and rights as biological children within a family. It is a wonderful mirror of what God has done for us in Christ, and in several places the Bible uses the adoption analogy directly. (Romans 8, Galatians 4, Ephesians 1)

Several things have made me think a little more about this lately. Firstly was the observation of a friend that our family is often not included when people pray for families we know who have adopted children, even though our adopted child is somehow more ‘obvious’ in that he is black and the rest of us are white. Secondly has been attending several local networking events for families who have fostered or adopted children. What I have noticed is that many of these families are very ‘issues based’; virtually every child has acquired a label of some kind or other, and the families seem to face a constant battle to get the right provision made for their special child within the educational system. There may of course be a bias here; it may be that the families who are likely to attend such networking events are those for whom adoption is somehow a big challenge or problem. Conversely, families like ours, who really don’t think about the fact that one of our children was not biologically born to us (hence I think this is the first time in over two years of blogging that I've even mentioned it), may see no need. But a recent conversation with a friend who hopes to adopt in the near future raised some more alarm bells as she told me that a lot of the pre-adoption screening process warns you that there are very likely to be major psychological or behavioural problems with the adopted child, and that you are basically trying to fix something that is badly broken. She suggested to me that families are almost geared up to look for problems, and that if any problems arise, the tendency will be to blame these on a traumatic early life.

This bothers me for quite a number of reasons:

Firstly, I know some adoptive families who seem unable to move beyond anger and blame at circumstances, previous foster carers and the social work department for irreparably damaging their child. I find that quite hard, because if a biological child were to have special educational needs or behavioural/ psychological problems, one might consider potential underlying causes but the main focus of energy would be in accepting the limitations and helping the child to overcome these and function as well as possible as a member of our community.

Secondly, how does anybody really know what the root of a problem is? How can one be certain what results from in utero substance exposure, from a neglected infancy, from a specific traumatic event etc and how much is genetic or a propensity of that individual child? I see a tendency amongst families who have adopted to blame almost every problem on the adoption and somehow take a step back from it as though they are somehow absolved of responsibility. When I look at my adopted son, now nearly five years old, I can see some difficult behaviours that I find hard to understand – for example a persistent, wilful disobedience with an impish grin on his face, which he knows will lead to withdrawal of privileges (ie pudding!) that will upset him. He tends to hit out and not always understand physical boundaries. And at other times he can be quite clingy and insecure (my other two are quite happy to keep playing in a friends’ garden, for example, whereas he will follow me to the bathroom!). Much of this is probably normal childhood boundary setting, and we work with him to be more confident, to communicate better verbally rather than shouting and crying or becoming physically aggressive. We seek to find his strengths and encourage him in these. It doesn’t matter to me why he behaves as he does at times, but it does matter that we help him through this.

A third reason I feel frustrated by the labelling and potential attribution of blame is that it might really restrict the child in the longer term. As I child I suffered various kinds of abuse and was eventually taken into care; when I went straight from that environment to medical school shortly after my seventeenth birthday, I am very glad that there was nobody watching out for me as a ‘care leaver’ or a ‘looked after child’, or perhaps even worse, as an ‘abuse victim’ or maybe ‘survivor’ (personally I also feel frustrated by the term ‘survivor of abuse’ since although it is intended to express a powerful overcoming of adversity, to me it still forces a person to be defined by a previous bad circumstance). For me, such labels would have hindered me in moving forwards. Now I am a happily married mother of four, and enjoy a relatively successful medical and scientific career on a part-time basis. I don’t see myself as the mixed up teenager I once was, and am grateful that I was never forced into a box by labelling and low expectations.

But underpinning all of these points is something greater by far. Does a traumatic early life really have to lead to life-long challenges and struggles? Do our early years really shape us to the extent that we can never move forward and know true healing? I do not wish to minimise how difficult these issues can be, and I acknowledge that I struggled greatly with some of the more common sequelae of abuse during my teens and twenties. But the Bible does make it clear that ‘if anybody is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come’. (2 Corinthians 5:17) There are many passages where it talks about the ‘old man’ or the ‘old person’ or ‘your former self’ and many sinful activities and attributes are listed; I can identify with so many of these, and there were years when my life was full of darkness and futile attempts to escape from that. But what actually happens when a person becomes a Christian? A complete transformation from the inside. A changed heart. Power to overcome. The will and the help to resist temptation. Many people attest to the ability to change habits when they become Christians – perhaps smoking, swearing, some besetting sin that they have tried in vain to overcome in their own strength. This is evidence of the power of Christ. For some people, it does seem that a miraculous transformation occurs, and for others, the rest of their life is a process of gradually overcoming but sometimes continuing to really battle against the sinful world that we live in, and against the hurt and psychological damage from earlier life. But even in that struggle, there is always hope.

Our relationship with God, through Christ, is described as an adoption. We are no longer lost, confused, helpless, damaged orphans, but now are established into His family, with God as our Father and Christ our Brother. What could be greater than that? In the spiritual realm, we have a perfect inheritance waiting for us, through His gift of grace. Many Christians who have endured all kinds of trauma and trial can attest to the great things God did through those times, and how His love enabled them to stand in the face of it all. The Apostle Paul described it as ‘light and momentary afflictions which are not worth comparing to the weight of glory that will be revealed in us’ 2 Corinthians 4:17. Elsewhere we are told that we, ‘with unveiled faces are being transformed into the glory of the Lord’ 2 Corinthians 3:18

The adoption of children into our families cannot ascend to this degree of perfect restoration. But it should reflect some elements of it. The child is no longer in a bad situation, but is safe within a home and within a family. The child no longer needs to earn love and try to manipulate for attention or approval, but should come to see that they are loved unconditionally, just as a biological child should be (I use the word should – because I also accept that in our fallen world, not all children are loved unconditionally by their parents). The child should be able to change, and to grow in an atmosphere of grace and forgiveness. I am concerned that some of the attitudes towards adoption that I have recently encountered place a stumbling block in the path of such ideals. Certainly families should know where to turn for support and encouragement, and medical and psychological help should that be needed; but I think the pendulum has swung a little too far to the point where the child becomes defined by their pre-adoption life, rather than the newness and restoration of their ‘forever family’.

Encourage one another

I recently posted about contentment, and recognising that God gives each one of us sufficient grace every day for our unique circumstances. When feeling under pressure, there is nothing better than to take time to reflect on what the Bible teaches us about God's amazing, father-like provision.

We spent the afternoon with some of our friends who also home school their children. There is much to be said for finding a community who can encourage and strengthen you as you make choices that often seem strange and foreign to many of those around you. We spent most of the time just keeping an eye on a lively bunch of children aged six and under as they climbed trees, dug in the soil for worms, harvested wild apples, travelled to a far off land on a Viking longboat (that part being imaginary, the rest real!) and got into the occasional scuffle. We talked a bit about phonics (some of us very against the method, others in favour, others neutral!), elementary mathematics for boys using objects that can be manipulated visuo-spatially, overseas travel and relationships.

These friends were surprised when I commented that I felt isolated. They then both admitted that they felt similarly, but hadn't realised I did. Their reasons were that I seem well organised, seem to know a lot of people, seem very active and generally get on with life. But in some ways, can this be a reason for isolation at times? There have been quite a number of occasions over the past few years when I have tried very hard to tell people I have a need of some kind or other, but it seems as though I am speaking a slightly different language and I am not heard. Today, we talked a little about how as home educating families, we are often pro-actively involved in our churches and communities, often (at least aim to!) have an open and welcoming home with plenty of food on the table and listening ears (or if not the ability to listen wholeheartedly, plenty of opportunity for distraction from the troubles of life!). These are all good things that we should not seek to change. But can it make us more isolated?

I don't have an easy answer or a neat, punchy conclusion to this post, and I'm sure it is something I will revisit. But here are a couple of thoughts to start with:

1) We really do need community! One of my temptations when feeling different and misunderstood is to isolate myself further, and thus ensues a vicious cycle. This is not right, not biblical, and can lead to feelings of bitterness which are sinful.

2) We need a small group of friends with whom we can be honest. The book of Proverbs has much wisdom about the choosing of friends or advisors, and also cautions against being too open with too many people. But we should choose friends that we can share our burdens with honestly. We should be able to pray for one another. And sometimes we don't support one another in their needs because we simply don't realise they are there. I wonder as home educators whether there are times when we feel we need to project an aura of capability? One thing we talked briefly about today was how it can be difficult to ask for help with childcare, such as to visit the doctor, or even to spend one on one time with a person who might benefit from that. We hear the unspoken, 'If you would just put them in school, then you wouldn't need help here' or occasionally comments to that effect. But the fact is, just because we homeschool does not make us super-human or immune from human frailties and needs. Indeed, one could argue that we perpetuate the myth by being reticent to share our needs! Similarly, it can be difficult to admit that our children are testing our patience at times. I was somehow reassured to realise I was not alone in this, but became more aware that it is a real problem at times.

3) We should seek to bear one another's burdens. This means thinking about those close to us, and how we can better encourage them. Jesus tells us to do unto others as we would have them do unto us (Luke 6:31). We are reminded to go the extra mile with others (Matthew 5:41). We are to encourage one another, and consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24)

4) Jesus tells us that through showing genuine love for one another, others will recognise the truth of His saving grace in our lives (John 13:34). Ways of showing this love are getting to know one another properly, listening carefully, actually asking how we can help and support, looking for ways to do random acts of kindness for one another

5) I'm aware that in churches we can often focus on those who are obviously 'needy' in some ways. I am not saying that these people should by any means be neglected, but that we must also remember to pray for and seek to serve and encourage those who seem to be strong. If I can feel isolated and struggle and not even my closest friends have realised, then there are probably many others in the same situation.

Like I said, no easy answers but some issues that those of us who are involved in communities of home educators should be aware of as we truly seek to encourage one another on this adventure which is so very worthwhile, but at times also the biggest challenge we have ever known.

If you've got experience of this, or wisdom to share- please do leave a comment!

Contentment

1 Timothy 6:6 'Now godliness with contentment is great gain'

I've been thinking quite a lot about contentment lately. Previously I've considered how we can make a positive choice to be thankful, and how we can choose how we talk about things, particularly our children.

Right now, I feel a temptation to be discontent. I have been feeling envious of others who seem to have on-hand grandparents who take an active role in their grandchildrens' lives and who try to help the parents get some rest/ time together/ enable them to attend doctors appointments without the children etc. For us, both sets of grandparents live 250 miles away. One set will willingly travel to us for the day and help if there is a specific need, but it does feel like a big thing to ask (and so we would only ask for big things, like interviews or operations). The other set are not interested at all, and never seem to consider how my husband and I manage to get our schedules to work out so that one of us is always home with the children. Lately, we've both had heavy workloads extending into most evenings, and it seems too long since we've really had much time together. And with the tiredness comes a tendency towards self-pity.

And as you may know, that starts a nasty downward spiral of negativity that helps nobody.

'Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord; looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled...' Hebrews 12:14-15

There is a lot in there. I am very struck by the link between missing God's grace, and the emergence of a root of bitterness; in my life this is very often the case. Bitterness often comes when one feels wronged, as though somebody has owed something but not paid up. I can feel bitter because I feel that some of our family somehow owe us something, relating to help and support with the grandchildren (or just generally, an interest in our lives). But the truth is, they don't. And there are many children who don't even have living grandparents, or families where the father or mother has died. But more than that, more than looking at the situations of those who have difficulties in this present life, there is a far greater and more positive challenge to consider:

'Now I say that the heir, so long as he is a child, does not differ at all from a slave, though he is master of all, but is under guardians and stewards until the time appointed by the father. Even so we, when we were children, were in bondage under the elements of the world. But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, 'Abba Father!'. Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ'. Galatians 4:1-7

There is nothing greater than that. To be adopted - to have the same rights as a biological child. So whilst my parents might not provide any comfort or encouragement, I have a FATHER in heaven, God Himself who gives abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine if I only would look to Him and receive that precious gift of grace. You see, I think when we look at those things that we don't have, and start to feel sad about these, we miss the much greater blessings that we have in the spiritual, eternal realm.

'When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me'. Psalm 27:10

I remember the first time I read that, coming from a broken and dysfunctional home. God knows that some of us feel hurt and rejected by our own family, but He will receive us and give us the right to become His adopted children. How can I feel self-pity when this is the reality?

'Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal'. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Tiredness, loneliness, chronic aches and pains, repeated disobedience from the children, endless sweeping up crumbs, constant interruptions, broken nights - all these things are 'light and momentary afflictions'. In fact, more than that, I see them as exactly the type of challenges referred to by both the Apostles James and Peter, which develop in us all manner of godly characteristics. Because parenting truly is teaching me to deny myself, to not be selfish, to love unconditionally, to go the extra mile. It humbles me. It draws me to my knees. There are days (the days we all prefer to blog about, the ones when we put photographs on Facebook) when we see the sweet, rich rewards of investing in our children. But there are days when it feels more about endurance, peace, perseverance, patience and trying to continue to demonstrate joy, love and gentleness throughout (cf Galatians 5:22!)

These things are not unknown to the God who is our adopted Father. He knows our pains, tears, frustrations. He knows the wounds that broken relationships may bring. He knows the desires of our heart. Yet this same God, back in the early days of history, told the children of Israel 'do not covet'. 'You shall not covet your neighbour's house; you shall not covet your neighbour's wide, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything else that is your neighbour's' Exodus 20:17. That list would include your neighbour's circumstances, their social network, the time they seem to have with their husbands, and so on. I am sure you may have your own list where you are tempted - but the bottom line is, God says 'don't do it'. James tells us to 'flee from temptation'.

And so, I choose to look to where my hope lies. 1 Peter 1:13 reminds us to 'set your hope fully on the grace to be brought to you when Christ is revealed'. Fully. Not to set our hope on worldly comfort, or on relationships, or on our children's futures. Fully on Christ. Fully on His grace.

Today, I choose to be thankful that I am an adopted child of God, and a co-heir with Christ. As you ponder this amazing truth, may God give you a true perspective and contentment with where you are today.

Vocabulary

I've recently enjoyed my boys using very descriptive language every day. For example, the two year old telling us that his meat was 'succulent', or the four year old describing his pudding as 'marvellous'. There have been times when they have used an unusual turn of phrase, and I've wondered to myself, 'Where did they get that from?' only several days later to realise it comes from one of Edward Lear's poems or from a book we are currently reading aloud together. And as I have considered this, I have made one or two observations.

Childrens' books today seem to have a very limited vocabulary. It is almost as though the author has thought that she must use simple language to be comprehensible to young children. I would disagree with such a presumption! My boys have loved Laura Ingalls-Wilding's stories of children growing up in pioneer America, which use beautiful and often elaborate descriptions of the activities which took place in their day to day lives. Arthur Ransome describes adventures on the high seas in his Swallows and Amazons series, and again, uses words which are often complex. It is interesting how the children rarely ask for a clarification, but rather are often able to understand new words from their context. And when they do stop to ask, they enjoy learning the new words. Has there been a change over the past 50 years? Comparing Ladybird books from the 1960s with those from recent years shows a huge change, and I see it as a sad loss.

I wondered whether anything had been written on this area. Much of my searching discussed oral communication, and the adoption of very colloquial and often simplified language. Other papers discussed childrens' language development in terms of parental interaction, educational status etc. Yet others refer to the increasing use of electronic forms of communication, the increasing numbers of children who are in childcare from young ages and so have less one on one interaction with their parents and insufficient time being read to as factors in stunted language development. But I am not really thinking about 'abnormal' language development, but rather a general decline in the use of English in our society, and in particular in terms of what is expected of children.

I wonder whether some of it has to do with the rise of phonics as the main method used to teach reading. The English language is notorious for having many words which do not obey the rules of phonics, and so if you stick to words for which the pronounciation can be deduced easily from the spelling, then it is easy to miss a great many words. Personally, I find phonics frustrating - whilst I can see the benefits, I am yet to find any 'early readers' using a phonics approach which are not completely 'twaddle' as Charlotte Mason would term it. Some time back, I was reflecting on what John Holt had noted about how children learn to read, and would agree with his observation that some children simply find it patronising to be given dull, simple material when they yearn for more. My children certainly do fall into that category, and would much rather I read a 'real' book to them aloud, and then they will point out the words they recognise and sometimes even start to read a little by themselves spontaneously. Furthermore, from what I understand, nobody really understands how children learn to read, how much is phonics, how much pattern recognition, how much the personal drive and desire to interpret the 'code' etc. Separating out one single element of this seems to me educationally naive.

Another, slightly sad observation has been how others react to young children who use complex words. Often it is laughter, and occasionally even comments like, 'They'll get picked on at school if they speak like that'. It seems that blending in and being average is considered more important. On other occasions, adults have misunderstood the boys, and when I have repeated what was said, commented, 'Yes that was what I heard, but I didn't expect it from them' because  it is not typical. I find that sad, and also slightly concerning. We are home schooling our children for many reasons. We read to them and speak to them in rich vocabulary, not to make them different or 'precocious' but simply to enable them to use good English and to enjoy rich colourful descriptions. But how many children in mainstream education have this delight stamped out of them by peer-pressure or through being fed material which is 'suitable for KS1' etc?

I wonder whether you have any thoughts on this, or what your experiences have been?

'Summer holidays'?

'Do you take a break for the summer?' a lot of people have asked me lately. I wonder what your reply is, and what your reasons are. For us, because the boys don't really know that they are learning or 'doing school', then there seems no need to take a break or do anything differently. Quoting Charlotte Mason, 'Education is a life', and in summer there is plenty of life about to learn from.

Some examples:

1) Summer storms. Why? Why does the weather do that? What is thunder? Why does thunder come after the lightening? Why are thunderstorms most often in the afternoon? Why do we get more rain in the summer? Examples of 'educational' activities: Dancing in the rain, and making comparisons with the rain in Uganda. Books describing weather. Rain guages (made out of just about any kitchen recepticle they can find!). Watching plants grow and fruit ripen. Describing different types of cloud and learning which ones are rain clouds.

2) Walking between some farmers' fields, watching the harvest. Comparing ripe and unripe grain. Gleaning amongst the edges of the fields (and explaining how in the Old Testament there was a provision made for poor people that the edges of the fields would be left, and that the harvesters would not return to collect the gleanings. The story of Ruth comes to life as you walk through the edges of fields on a hot day!). Collecting enough wheat to thresh and make a small harvest (enough to grind and make a loaf of bread). Discussing the impact of farm machinery on the lives of individual farmers and the economy in general. Linking wheat and the harvest to the weather conditions as described above - comparing this year with last, for example.

3) Ripening fruit. Earlier than usual this year, as a result of the different weather conditions. Ample time to start foraging and dreaming up new recipes. And as always, cooking brings with it a whole multitude of literacy and numeracy tasks, in addition to art and science!

4) Taking a picnic blanket and a pile of books to a park. The activity (reading) hasn't changed, but summer affords the opportunity to stay outside for longer and enjoy the warm weather.

For us, to take 'breaks' in accordance with a traditional school calender might not be a helpful thing. One of our reasons for home education is that we don't want the children to lose that love and zeal for learning that they currently have. It doesn't feel like school, and doesn't usually feel like 'work', because they are exploring the areas of life which currently fascinate them. To say, 'Now its time to take several weeks off and have fun' might communicate a message that what we are currently doing is not fun. However, we do take breaks at other times - for example when we travel or are visiting friends or family, we do a scaled down version of our normal activities. Whilst attempting to maintain the usual basic structure of a day, things will change. And so we communicate that there are times of celebration when life takes a different pace; this seems healthier to me, that there is a specific and positive reason why we have not read so many books today, or have not done any experiments or so forth.

This summer is proving less frustrating than previous ones - perhaps my expectations have changed, the boys are that bit older so the range of things we are doing is changing, perhaps also I am learning to be content and celebrate the unique opportunities we have as a family. The autumn will bring several trips to different parts of the country, and I look forward to these with eager anticipation. In contrast, I hear of other friends feeling frustrated by being constrained by the academic year. Contentment is a wonderful place to be!

Boys and early learning

I've been thinking again about differences between how young boys and young girls learn, and how these differences affect how we schedule our lives. There is still that questions of what is 'nature' versus 'nurture'. For example, our boys are extremely active. There is never a day that we do not go out for a walk, and on most days we have two walks one of which will be at least three miles long. If we don't have this level of activity, the boys seem to struggle to focus, there is a deterioration in standards of discipline and obedience, and things are just generally difficult. But is that because we have trained them to need this amount of time out of doors being active, or is it because they have a genuine biological need? And does that question really matter anyway?

Reading around the area, I've found some interesting evidence on how brain structure and activity differs between the sexes. This article is really useful. A PET scan is Positron Emission Tomography - it is used to determine which parts of the brain are most active during different tasks. So you could put a child in the scanner, and ask them to complete a verbal task and watch which parts of the brain light up. It is a relatively new technique and seems to be shedding a lot of genuine biological light into what parents and teachers have recognised for generations. Based on these, and other findings, leads some to recommend that schools educate boys and girls separately for educational (rather than social) reasons.

I have often been frustrated by the numbers of my friends' boys who are given a 'label' or diagnosis, when it seems that they simply have a normal, healthy, lively child who needs to have his energies focussed and channelled. Indeed, I read somewhere (cannot remember the source right now) that 25% of primary age boys in the UK are diagnosed with some degree of Special Educational Need, such as Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. It frustrates me especially because I can see how my own boys might risk such labels if they were expected to sit in a classroom for a whole day, with no fresh air and minimal opportunities for running around or choosing which activity they would like to focus on.

Several Home Schoolers have written helpful articles and blogs on how to bring the very best out of boys, tapping into all their talents, using their energy and creativity to enhance other subjects, and generally bringing them up to be men of the future. At 'The Encouraging Home', Mary Glendenin summarises 'must haves for homeschooling boys'. I've reached many of the same conclusions and have a similar approach in many ways, and wish I had read this post earlier. I particularly like the way she is honest about how being physical, getting grubby, being continually on the move and embracing non-traditional educational opportunities does not necessarily come naturally to her. Parenting is in many respects an act of sacrifice. It is not about 'me', about 'my needs', 'my choices', 'my preferences'. It is about using all our God-given resources to honour our calling to raise our children well in the midst of a godless generation. And I admit, that there are days when I would much rather curl up on the sofa with a massive pile of books than put on my waterproofs and go out in the freezing cold, but it is what my children need!

Once again, as I consider these things I am grateful for the choices we have made to homeschool. It is not always easy. There are days which are physically exhausting. Some days they can seem very focussed and do the more 'traditional' educational activities such as drawing, writing, being read to, playing games etc, but there are other days when they seem like unfocussed bundles of restless energy. My middle son can be particularly trying and perplexing at times - he will refuse to do things (such as writing) when he is quite capable when in the right mood, and there are other times when he cries and seems very upset and frustrated and we cannot work out why. Some days, we can see real breakthroughs and little by little he is gaining confidence. But I shudder to think of how he would be in a mainstream school without the individual attention, patience, gentleness and love that he needs.

It is often on the days that I find hardest, the days when I am tempted to think, 'I wish somebody else could step in here', or 'surely anybody could do this better than I am', that I realise that in fact these are the days when it is most important of all that we have the consistency, discipline, but also love and patience that the children need. And I do not imagine that our children are so very different from boys across the world.

I'd be interested to hear your comments about educating young boys!

10 reflections

I haven't blogged as much as I would like lately. I haven't spent as much time as I would like considering educational theory, learning styles, resources, schedules, timelines and goals. And yes, there have been days when I have felt a little guilty about this, before remembering that this is one of the joys of homeschooling. And also, one of the reasons I have had less time to consider the theory is because we have been busy putting things into practice. When things have been busy, I find it really helpful to stop and reflect, even if briefly. So here are 10 reflections on the past weeks:

1) Enjoying watching their different learning styles develop and finding ways to tap into both. My eldest (aged 5) I find easier to understand. He likes learning new things. He enjoys copywork, and even though he is very energetic, can sit very patiently and colour in neatly. My second (aged 4) seems more complex to me, although I recently spoke to a friend who described similarities in her son who is exactly the same age. He can write all his letters, but he seems to pretend not to remember when I try and get him to write. He will say silly things, like 's' when it is clearly an 'a'. But for some reason, he really enjoys writing on wipe-off books with dry-erase markers, and when I sit him down with these, he will write and copy beautifully. I don't know why this is, but its been very satisfying to find a system that he embraces!

2) My eldest learning to read. This is interesting. Some days seem really positive and exciting. Other days, gets quite upset when we ask him to read to us, and refuses to do it. I think part of it is frustration, perhaps being so close, and yet so far. It is difficult at times to know whether to push on, and tell him not to be silly, and that many good things require hard work to get there, or whether to leave it for another day. I probably use both approaches at different times, and can't pretend to have it all worked out yet!

3) Watching them learn to play well together, including the 2 year old. They love races. We often do staggered starts so that they all end up at about the same time. We send them on paths that form a triangle or a square, and its great to see them understand rules and competition, and to enjoy being physically tired from the effort. We've recently started going to an athletics club for 5-8 year olds, and I enjoy seeing a healthy form of competitiveness, and also discipline developing.

4) Frustrations with some of the online forums I am part of (mainly Facebook groups). I get particularly frustrated by some of the Charlotte Mason ones, which prohibit discussing any other method. I also get frustrated by those that wish to adhere so very rigidly to what one woman may have thought - for example, questions like, 'What would Charlotte Mason have thought about X, Y or Z (in modern life)?' or 'when Charlotte Mason suggested short lessons of about 20 minutes, did she mean to have a break between these or not?' - my frustration is that people seem constrained by a particular method, as though it is the gospel truth that must be adhered to with 100% accuracy. I feel grateful for the ability to embrace the best of several different methods and adapt things to our specific family dynamics. (And I have been restrained and not made comments to some of the frustrating posts,  although I think I will remove myself from some of the groups soon!)

5) Meeting a new home educating family this weekend, who have just moved to our city, who have children of similar ages to ours, and who are involved in similar professions to my husband and I. This was a great blessing and encouragement  - and also made me thankful for Facebook and forums and 'modern' ways of meeting others.

6) I've been surprised and encouraged lately by about five conversations where I have told people that we are home educating and had a very positive response. Indeed, I have not had a negative reaction for a long time. People from various walks of life have been positive about the benefits it brings, and have been very interested to know how things work out in practice. It has made me realise that we can sometimes bring our own baggage and preconceptions into conversations. I hadn't really mentioned home schooling much before, because it almost did not seem relevant. However, now the oldest two are both 'of school age' people are asking where they go, or whether they are starting in September, and so it is an ideal time to explain what we are doing. Maybe it is partly our own confidence now, maybe it is because they see the children as normal, lively, healthy and well-adjusted, I don't know what it is, but reactions seem quite different than they did two years ago when I started writing here. (Indeed one reason why I started the blog was because of feeling isolated and misunderstood!)

7) Relating to the comment above, I've been surprised by how many people have said, 'Oh, you are homeschooling' as though this was a completely normal and acceptable option. In fact, maybe it is. I am familiar with some of the data, that increasing numbers of families are choosing to home educate for a plethora of reasons. In the UK, there have been recent teachers' strikes and there is increasing disillusionment with the system. But its surprised me that people see it as a perfectly reasonable option.

8) Starting to plan the future. I've reflected before about being 'strangers and aliens' in this world, how we are simply pilgrims passing through. For some time, and particularly since the death of my daughter, I've been aware of how we can't make presumptions about tomorrow, and that the only day we are really responsible for is today. Jesus speaks about that when He tells us 'do not worry about tomorrow, for each day has trouble enough of its own'. Whilst living for today, we are aware of a transience of our situation here. Another year, and it will be another big move. The real benefit of this is that we embrace every opportunity, make the most of every day, take each moment, each relationship, each activity as it comes because we know that these things won't always be possible. Later on, we might feel sadness and loss, but right now it just enforces that we are living for today, and that feels good.

9) Long summer days, days of freedom, days of long walks and picnics, of adventures outdoors, of butterflies and barbecues, days when we pack our books and a picnic blanket together with plenty of sandwiches and just head out to where-ever we end up. These are lovely days. Often older women tell me that these were the happiest days of their lives, when they had young children around them all the time. I hold onto that - there are times when I feel so tired I am almost dizzy, but there is an innocence, simplicity and freedom that I wish I could capture and hold forever.

10 Little personalities that develop and surprise me. Yesterday morning, by husband had gone to a 6am prayer meeting, and my 5 year old said, 'Mummy, I promise you, they won't be singing. Not the men. Their voices will be like 'uuughh, ugh, ugh' [excellent impression of what a man might sound like trying to sing at 6am]. It made me laugh a lot, and also conveyed quite a lot of his understanding of things. I love the fact that every day, even the hardest of days, is filled with a reasonable amount of laughter. And at the end of the day, those are the moments I hold onto.