Book Review: Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver

Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver is subtitled, ‘finding intimacy with God in the busyness of life.’ As with many books I read, it was the recommendation of a friend who I respect. I found it challenging and helpful in drawing me back to the things in life which really matter. We all have different lives with different choices, pressures, situations, challenges and opportunities. But I think all of us also have the tendency to feel overwhelmed by the number of things that we feel need to be done. Maybe this can be very much a problem among homeschooling parents, who have made choices which prioritise time with the children, additional hours seeking out and researching materials, time to review and plan lessons and activities, and time to carefully appraise the development of each individual child. Whilst all of us who have chosen this route will agree that the investment and times of personal sacrifice are more than worthwhile for the wellbeing of our children and our families, I am sure I am not alone in feeling guilty at times for not having more time to spend doing other ‘good’ things – being more involved in church activities, community events, spending time with individuals who are facing trials or challenges, and so on. Sometimes I laugh, and say that I could have six different lives, and do six different things, and be equally fulfilled in all of them. In one, I would be a writer. In another, I would be a full-time stay at home homeschooling mum of a large family. Another life would be setting up a Christian cafe, aiming to provide a welcoming environment for those needing refreshment and encouragement. In another, I would be a medical academic, and still another life might be the missionary in rural Africa. I can’t do all of these things, and neither would one person be expected to! But still, it is tempting to feel guilty for all the things that you cannot achieve, rather than focussing on what is most important and doing that wholeheartedly.

The book is based on an encounter between Jesus and two sisters, Martha and Mary, who had welcomed Him and His disciples into their home. Martha was extremely busy, and increasingly frustrated at her sister who was sitting at Jesus’ feet listening to Him talking. Eventually, she snapped, ‘Don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to come and help me!’ Instead of agreeing with this as a reasonable request, Jesus gently rebuked her, pointing out that of all the many things that could be done, only one thing was truly necessary, and that was the ‘better part’ that Mary had chosen. It is a short, simple account of a conversation, but one which teaches us much. I must confess that I can feel more like Martha at times, sometimes getting irritated and frustrated at others who don’t seem to realise how hard I am working to try and make things look simple. Sometimes I feel like a swan, paddling away frantically beneath the surface in order to glide smoothly, seemingly effortlessly, across a lake. As I read Joanna Weaver’s exposition on this passage, I was given a better view into my own heart, but more importantly than that, I came to see and appreciate more of the tender, compassionate and gracious heart of our Lord. 

Jesus bids us, ‘Come to  me all you who are weak and heavy laden and I will give you rest.’ And yet, it is somehow easier to see God as some kind of taskmaster who expects more and more of us. As I read, prayed and examined my own heart, I came to see how some of the pressures and conflicts I face are actually of my own doing, and a consequence of not spending time in that most important place, listening quietly to our Lord guiding us in the way He would have us go. I found that liberating. I realised how when I am busy, often my time of prayer and reflection on the Bible is easy to cut out, and yet it is when I am most hard-pressed, it is then that I really need that time. I was also reminded to think of the relationship I have with Jesus, rather than seeing devotional time as simply another ‘task’ to get through in a day, rather seeing it as a time spent with a closest friend; something to be cherished, eagerly anticipated and relished. It is a fundamental change of attitude, and rather than being a burden and something to feel guilty about, it is a wonderful gift, a privilege and a shame to miss out on. 

There were some helpful checklists in the book, almost ‘spot checks’ on where you might be up to in your own life. These were helpful. I realised that the times when I feel most like Martha – wanting to be critical of others who I see as not working hard enough or not appreciating me (!) – are in fact the times when I need more than anything to stop and sit at Jesus’ feet and hear His voice. Rather than working harder and harder and getting into a frenzy, there is a time to stop and prayerfully consider what actually needs to be done, and what can wait or be done by somebody else, or even not at all. I reflected upon how there is no point in achieving long lists of tasks if these are done with an attitude which does not honour God, and thereby nullifies the main reason for doing some of those in the first place. So, for example, if I have some friends round for an evening with the aim of encouraging them spiritually, seeking to spur them on towards love and good deeds, there is no point in having a spotless house, delicious gourmet food, all the children tucked up asleep in bed, and candles and flowers on the table if I am so frazzled by the preparation that I am grumpy and irritable all evening and completely miss the opportunities to encourage those friends. A similar example could be given for many things we do in life.

If you are tending to feeling busy and overwhelmed at the moment, I would highly recommend this book as it will help you take a step back and focus once more on what truly matters.

Reflections from African village life

Three weeks ago, we packed up our belongings and travelled to live and work in an African village. We left the cold, dark, British winter, and widespread preparations for what seems to have become an increasingly commercial festival of materialism, excess and superficiality (Christmas!). We have replaced a fast pace of life for one where small errands can take a whole morning, walking down dusty paths, stepping by to let the donkey carts pass, exchanging increasing numbers of greetings with the new friends we are making. Instead of Christmas excess, we hear both tuneful and not so tuneful prayer calls five times a day from the nearby mosques, and purchase only the essential items from the local market. In many ways, it is a different world entirely. The change is refreshing, peaceful and beautiful. The children seem so free. From morning to evening, they spend hours running outside, playing intricate games with various kinds of stick or leaf that they have found, and really using their imagination. They come home grubby and hungrily eat some basic, unrefined food, then return to their adventures. Ironically, I am a little more worried about their ‘culture shock’ on returning to the UK than I was about bringing them here!

But perhaps a bigger surprise has been how similar our life is here to that back ‘home’. Since having children, we have consciously examined our lives and sought to provide a solid foundation for them encompassing every aspect of their education. We have stripped away unnecessary clutter, and sought to avoid excessive exposure to unhelpful influences. We take care to live simply and within our means, so that one parent can always be at home, and this too has influenced many of our day to day lifestyle choices. 

Freedom to play. Do many children have that these days? Or have we replaced freedom and imagination with structured activities aimed at developing certain skills in our children? Do we stifle one of their most basic needs? And do we make a rod for our own back by not allowing children to develop their imaginations and resourcefulness?

Walking many miles, keeping physically fit and therefore eating and sleeping well. Do we take time to walk, or does our hectic schedule force us to use cars or public transport as we rush from one activity to the next? Do we fret about rising rates of obesity and sedentary lifestyles, yet feel compelled to follow the current trend?

Greeting others in the neighbourhood. Do we get to know those who live near us? Do we stop to spend time? Do we patronise local shops and services rather than travelling further, and so build the sense of community? Does it really matter? Do our children know any others than their own peer group? Could we make simple changes to increase their security and confidence in relationships with a diverse range of people?

Simple, basic food. Do we buy seasonally? Are we resourceful in the recipes we choose? Do we ensure the children receive excellent physical as well as academic nutrition? Does our lifestyle allow time for this?

Time with the children. Do we need to be as busy as we are? Are there any things which are unnecessary clutter in our lives? What are the greatest priorities in our lives? Is there anything which does not help in reaching these aims?

Living within our means. What is most important? Is it a certain house, lifestyle, holidays, other expensive things? Or is it really true that the ‘best things in life are free’? We cannot have it all. Choices, at times sacrificial choices, need to be made for what is most important.

A holistic education. There is nothing my boys lack here. Every aspect of the sketchy ‘curriculum’ we follow is provided for here. (I use principles similar to those outlined by Charlotte Mason’s philosophy of education as an atmosphere, a discipline and a life, and basically try and make sure that we read every day, do Bible every day, and then keep a balance between other things throughout the week). Language comes from reading, and colourful descriptions of their surroundings, the landscape, the birds, the smells, the sounds. Social interaction is a part of daily life. Arithmetic and stewardship are achieved by visits to the market. History and geography are met in response to the many questions they ask. Cooking and craft, other creative arts, can be achieved through the imaginative use of local resources. And so I could go on.

Here, in the village, I feel content. The boys are thriving. Life seems whole and balanced. I pray I can keep the same sense of purpose and priority in the face of many conflicting clamorous voices back in the UK.

Book review: For the Children's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay

I have become interested in the educational philosophy of Charlotte Mason, and at the same time, a friend recommended I read ‘For the Children’s Sake’ by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay.

The book is subtitled, ‘Foundations of Education for Home and School’, and is basically the author’s summary and interpretation of several key principles as outlined in the full written works of Charlotte Mason. Lengthy quotations from the original work are provided, together with a concise summary of how these principles can be applied in our modern day homes and schools.

I think this is indeed a valuable introduction to a method of education which cuts right across many current trends within both society as a whole and particularly relating to ‘mainstream’ education. In the concluding chapter, the desired result of such an education is stated to be that ‘our children may be so educated in a total life that they are enabled to have clear, realistic and true thinking and action based upon thought and principle. May they be strong personalities, free of self and external pressures so that they will have the power to do what is right.’ What an amazing goal, one which I wholeheartedly share!

The first, basic premise is that ‘children are born persons’. Each is a unique individual, created in the image of a loving God. Anybody who has observed children will see how much young babies and toddlers are able to learn through simple exploration and experimentation, yet somehow at the age of about five, we tend to herd them together in classrooms, talk at them, and expect them to learn the same material at approximately the same rate to a similar standard. It is illogical, and yet few parents question whether it is indeed right and best. Instead, the argument outlined here is that we should continue to allow a child to explore and develop their own impressions and interpretation of the world around them. Reading aloud from good quality literature is recommended, expecting the child’s full attention, followed by asking the child to tell back the story in their own words. Hence the child is encouraged to engage and interact with the material, rather than simply learning a list of facts for the purposes of testing, or of achieving a set ‘level’ of understanding. This approach is extended to many disciplines, including art, music, nature and science, history, geography and many others. Children educated in this way will develop different strengths and interests, but education remains exciting and is primarily driven by the questions the child himself asks; this is a foundation for life-long learning.

The three foundations of the philosophy of education are that it is an ‘atmosphere’, a ‘discipline’ and a ‘life’. I have written more about this elsewhere on this blog. 

I was interested to read that although holding a strongly Christian worldview, neither Charlotte Mason nor Susan Schaeffer Macaulay would recommend using only resources that are consistent with Biblical thinking; in fact they would caution against such an approach.  Having witnessed a slightly claustrophobic approach from some well meaning Christian families, who seek to protect their children against any possible ‘worldly’ influence in their methods of home education, I was refreshed to see it stated clearly that such an approach is simply short-sighted. ‘Have they thrashed through the reasons why the Bible is true? Do they understand the fallacies of other positions? Can they remember numerous occasions where the Bible was seen to fit like a key into the keyhole of reality? Do they know about the historical and archaeological evidence? Are they amazed at home the philosophical ideas of the Bible fit into the way we find reality to be? They should not be left only with a feeling.... That is not enough... Do they KNOW?’ Wisdom should be exercised regarding when exactly to expose children to certain concepts and challenges, but ‘At some teenage stage, the young person should also read and appreciate good secular twentieth century literature. He needs to understand where our culture is, why the questions are so acute, and how lost and desperate so many people feel today. It helps these older children to understand why some people write like this, what they think about the human being, God, morality, society’. This is what I want for my children – not to separate their ‘faith’ into some type of box, not fully integrated with who they are as persons and with the world around them. Instead, I want them to learn and understand how all things are created by God, and how much of education is about understanding the world that He made, but that there are also many incorrect ideas and values which they will encounter. 

On a similar theme is her argument for drawing from a wide range of source material. If we believe that all persons are created in the image of God, then all human creativity and expression is an expression of that nature. Again, to quote Macaulay, ‘We have tolerated a separation between the “secular” and the “religious”. Thus people have had to close their minds to all other aspects of life and intellectual questions when they entered the “faith” box, or that of “experience”. It is as if they were called upon to leave philosophy, literary questions, art, social questions, historical views, political action, since and so on in a sort of mental parking lot outside the “religious experiences”. Charlotte Mason allowed no such division between the “secular” and the “religious”. She understood that the whole of reality is part of God’s reality.’  Beauty, excellence, talent, creativity – all these should be celebrated as being part of the expression of God-created humanity.

Do I have any criticisms of the book? There were occasions when I felt a little discouraged, as though the author spoke from a perspective of having achieved that ideal balance in her own home and family without challenge or obstacle! However, she does clearly explain early on that she and her husband discovered Charlotte Mason after several frustrating years where their older two children were not experiencing the ideal, rounded education they sought. I would have perhaps been more encouraged had she described some of her own challenges as she moved to this different form of education. From my perspective, that might simply be the challenge of time and energy that is required. It is one thing to describe the beautiful freedom of children as they are provided with the rich nourishment of a diverse curriculum (often described by Charlotte Mason as a ‘feast’), but it does require energy to select resources, read stories, answer endless questions, go on field trips, allow the time and space for the children to grow and develop, and generally make choices within the home and family structure which may go against the grain not only in society as a whole but also within our churches. In the concluding paragraph, she hints at the effort required as the question, ‘Would you be willing to give your home so much vitality, life, through your creative time and effort that it becomes the “centre of gravity” in the child’s life?’ Although absolutely worthwhile, it does require time, effort, energy, perseverance, wisdom, prayer, and many other resources. As I have described here on this blog, challenges I face sometimes include loneliness and feeling misunderstood and at times exhaustion and difficulty in looking after my own health.

So, what changes might I make to what we are currently doing with our children?

Firstly, I am encouraged yet again that the choices we have made are right for our family, and worth the investment of all the God-given resources that we have. Already, I am starting to see fruit in terms of our children exploring, questioning, developing many fascinations with the world around them, and showing an incredible memory of the answers they are given in response to such questions. 

Secondly, I am encouraged to consider more carefully the resources I use. I particularly like the concept of ‘living books’, whereby (for example) a period of history is best studied by reading a biography or historical novel from that time, as it truly captivates the life of a real, knowable individual in that time period, rather than being an abstract list of facts. I am encouraged not to ‘dumb down’ material for my children by deciding what I think is within their grasp, but rather to use the most excellent, most beautiful literature and allow my children to interact with it directly rather than trying to tell them how I think they should interpret it.

Thirdly, I am yet again encouraged to read the full works of Charlotte Mason, which I recently got hold of. There seems so much robust truth and wisdom contained within these writings, and I wish to learn more! I particularly am interested to read how she addresses some of the challenges that may arise during this educational approach.

(Slow internet from west Africa; I will insert crosslinks later!)

A field trip/ break from blogging!

In a couple of days, we are going on a field trip. Several months in rural Africa, working in a clinic and being involved with a pre-school project. (Slight touch of irony that we may be more involved in pre-school activities in rural Africa than in this country, but that's something I will write more about some time!). It's a great way for the whole family to be involved in mission work; sometimes it makes me sad when children are almost seen as 'getting in the way' of parents' ministry, and this is an ideal opportunity for the boys to have a role, and see how they too can glorify God.

Being able to do this type of short-term project is another great reason for home education! For our family, this type of flexibility is ideal. There are no complications regarding 'taking the children out' of school, and the day-to-day activities we do will have the same foundation whatever country we are in.

The internet connection will be very limited, and so I won't be able to post much on this blog. I intend to keep reflecting and writing, and then share some of these following our return. I am also looking forward to reading some good books! I am armed with:

For the Childrens' Sake by Susan Macaulay Schaeffer, which has been highly recommended by a good friend

Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver which I have been told might help me feel less guilty about not always achieving a million things every day (!)

and I have also just obtained a copy of

The Complete Writings of Charlotte Mason which I am very excited about, but only plan to take Volume 1 on this trip! I have heard so many people comment on Charlotte Mason and I have noticed that much of her key tenets align with my own philosophy of education and childhood, so I am keen to read direct from the source.

Its a busy few days, trying to pack with three active little boys roaming around. Our African adventures will include a wedding, a third birthday (the request is for a 'slug' cake, which should be quite easy to achieve) and of course Christmas which will be very different to that in our UK environment. I'll be excited to report back in a few months time!

I pray that these next few months are a time of blessing for you also, and that you can see God working through your efforts to 'train up a child in the way that he should go'.

Kondwani

Learning Styles: a simple lesson

I've recently posted about how our children surprise us by their level of understanding of the things of God. This morning was another such example. I was running a little unprepared for a Bible study, so read the passage (Joshua chapter 8, all about the conquest of Ai) out loud whilst the boys were playing with their cars. I tried to get them to sit still for the Bible story, but to be honest, was a bit lax (in my view) and allowed them to play around me whilst I read on. However, suddenly the three year old was underneath the dining table, busily working on something. I asked what, and he explained he was setting an ambush. He then basically re-enacted the story I had just read using his toy cars. I was challenged! I had not thought he was listening, but in fact he was processing the story the whole time. This made me reflect on learning styles, and how boys in particularl can be more 'kinaesthetic', liking to fiddle or doodle rather than sitting stock still (and indeed may be mislabelled as having some form of ADHD...). I need to consider this in more detail, but today, just wanted to share an encouragement!

Challenge: Fatigue and illness

When I was researching how to set up a blog, I read several sites containing 'top tips', and one of these was never to write a blog post on a bad day! Apparently, people browse blogs for encouragement and inspiration, not to read about the trials of another person's life. However, my intention is to keep the blog honest, and whilst celebrating some of the delights and adventures, I also what to share the challenges and trials, and how we can work through them. Perhaps some readers can offer their strategies in similar situations!

Yesterday, I was just simply exhausted. I could list reasons, but perhaps those don't matter too much as each of us has busy lives and can relate to tiredness. Also, sometimes I find the days when I can 'justify' being very tired, are not all that tiring, and on other days, I can feel ready to drop without a good clear reason. We were all a bit unwell. I don't mean properly unwell, of the type where you are admitted to hospital or where it is a necessity to ask for extra help with the children. Just chronic, grumbling conditions which had flared up (for me), together with seasonal colds and the after effects of travel vaccinations. Enough that none of us were at our best. And I started to ask myself whether it was really 'worth it'. I spoke with my husband (now back from a short spell working overseas) and told him of my concerns. As usual, he reassured me, but I remained uncertain. Are our principles really achievable? Whilst I can look back at former posts on this blog regarding our reasons for home educating (which were actually written with this kind of day in mind!), are we honestly being realistic? This morning, having had a soak in the bath, taken a good dose of the right medicines and slept better than for the past couple of weeks, things do indeed seem brighter.

The question is simply this? What do other home educating parents do on the days when they would like nothing better than to crawl back into bed with a hot water bottle and some paracetamol? What do you do when you almost feel yourself falling asleep whilst reading stories? What about if you have 'non-urgent' health needs which require attendance at appointments? How do other parents manage these things? You can't take a day off from parenting and home education, can you?

For me, one thing that has become clear over the years is how physical tiredness makes everything seem bleak and impossible. Sometimes, simply a good night of sleep can make a world of difference. (But that itself can be unachievable at times, and that can be a frustration too. It can seem so much easier said than done!). Another thing, is to be honest with my husband. I've mentioned this on previous posts, but we are blessed to be very much united in our approach to raising our family in what we believe to be a godly way. He can't always solve the problem entirely (for example, although wonderful, he cannot breastfeed a baby!) but small things can make a big difference. And simply feeling listened to and understood can help combat that sense of isolation which can become overwhelming. Also, it sounds like a Christian cliche, but to spend time praying about these things is important - perhaps especially on the days when you feel that you have not got sufficient time or energy to do so. Our God is gracious and compassionate, and will not be shocked by our worries or emotions.

In Isaiah Chapter 40 verse 11, we are told, 'He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.' What does that mean, other than that He does understand that having a young family can be a strain in so many ways. In Matthew, we are reminded to: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Then there is the story related in 1 Kings Chapter 19 where Elijah was exhausted and discouraged, and God provided first of all sleep, then nourishing food, and then spiritual encouragement. We do well to learn from that.

I would be interested to know how others deal with these challenges in their lives!

Homeschooling boys

Are the differences between girls and boys nature or nurture? Does it matter? Do they affect our educational choices? Or are we perpetuating stereotypes by considering the sexes differently? This is an area where my husband and I have some discussion! He tends to take the view that all children are the same, and that we as both individuals and society tend to impose stereotyped behaviours on them from an early age. I used to believe that to be the case, but now, whilst I do agree that there are these cultural and societal expectations, and whilst there will always be exceptions, that some important differences do exist!

I'll share a couple of illustrations from my experience (although you could argue that these are just further stereotypes of individuals who have been shaped through stereotyping but I'll dispense with the caveats now and just get to the point). Friends who have girls are more likely to invite me and the boys round for coffee and suggest that whilst the children play quietly, the mothers can drink coffee, chat and then pray together. What a lovely idea! I'd adore that, but I know that it just would not be possible, not with my boys at their current stage. The other weekend we went to a childrens' party which began with sitting round tables and doing lots of crafty activities involving small pieces of paper and glue; indeed my friends with girls talk about things like 'cutting and sticking', when that is not particularly something my boys enjoy doing. The afternoon got off to a difficult start for them, as they wanted to run around the hall and chase the balloons, and we ended up leaving quite soon. (You could argue that this is because I don't tend to do these type of crafts, but instead we do plenty of painting, drawing and baking which require just as much precision and concentration). But you start to get a picture. My friends' daughters enjoy a trip to the park, but don't seem to bounce off the ceilings if they do not get taken outside into the fresh air on a regular basis; conversely, the boys seem to NEED that time outside at least once, but often twice per day.

And so our lives (and education) takes its shape around these things. Structured, short activities, but I take care to intersperse the quiet, concentrating type activities with those which are more physical (for example, we will do some baking when they wake from this current nap, but I have plans for a long walk as soon as things come out of the oven!). I was interested to come across this website which specifically focusses on homeschooling boys. A couple of years ago, I would have dismissed this as stereotyping and not helpful, but I read on and indeed saw described many of the things I have come to observe in my own children. Some of the suggestions are things which I have come to do instinctively, and others will be helpful to me as our education develops over the next few years.

It is hardly a secret that mainstream education is often more unhelpful to boys. Girls tend to learn to read and write earlier, whereas boys are more prone to be labelled as having attention or educational difficulties; indeed, I read a recent report that suggested that up to 25% of primary educated boys are currently diagnosed as having some form of special educational need. Without minimising the challenges that can be introduced by genuine special needs, I cannot believe this statistic to be true. I am convinced that much of it is that young children in general, but particularly boys, do not thrive in an environment where they are made to sit inside and concentrate and be part of a large group with little individual interaction. Further difficulties are introduced when children are given an unhelpful label from an early age, as they start to see themselves as problems, or people lower their expectations. Even through secondary school, girls increasingly outperform their male counterparts, and I do not believe this to be due to an academic superiority but rather that they benefit more from the current educational 'system'.

I do think some people take the stereotypes too far. Discipline, for example, should be given to all of our children. I have known several parents laugh at the blatent and destructive disobedience of their sons, and make a comment along the line of, 'Boys, what can you do!'. I remember the very negative comments I recieved when my second child was a son. 'Now you'll have your work cut out', I was told. 'Now you'll see what life is really like'. It was generally assumed that raising boys would be far more challenging, and less rewarding, than raising girls. (These comments were unusually insensitive given that I had already had and buried a daughter, but I'll not get into that right now!)

The challenges are different! I spend far more time outside being physically active than I might do given the choice. At the end of the day, my back, legs and arms can be incredibly painful. I am physically exhausted (bearing in mind, that on the days that I 'go out to work', I run the 5Km distance there and then back again in the evening, enjoy climbing mountains for relaxation and could hardly be considered a 'couch potato'!) But it is a different kind of tiredness, and a different kind of challenge. What I have noticed quite clearly is a deterioration in the behaviour and obedience of my sons when we do not spend enough time burning off energy; so simply we need to recognise and adapt to their needs. I would hope that we all do this for all of our children. Perhaps a greater challenge would be to have a family where each child had very different needs, and there was a greater need to add balance so that they could all be met.

These days, I am interested to read articles and blogs which do indeed focus on some of the differences, and discuss ways to best educate the energetic bundles of creativity that are our sons. I hope other readers here find the recommendation helpful.

I'd be interested to know in the experiences of others, particularly those who have experience with both sons and daughters!