What God teaches through our children. Part 1: Babies

Recently, I hinted that I should write a blog post on some of the amazing things that God teaches us through young children. 

Four and a half years ago, my firstborn child was about eight weeks old when I wrote the following words to a friend in an email. The friend was struggling with difficulties such as anorexia and depression, and struggling to see the value in her life. Amidst other things, I reflected on what having a baby had taught me:

‘Here I have this tiny, completely helpless bundle of life. For the first six weeks, I do not think she could see my face. There was nothing she did that in any way acknowledged that I was there (except her physical need for my breasts!). I could barely walk for a few weeks, was tired from having lost lots of blood, now was getting about four hours of interrupted sleep a night and trying so hard to make sense of what I should be doing, and she would reward me by screaming at me, peeing on me, vomiting on me etc. And yet, there is this most OVERWHLEMING love for her. I adore her. From the moment I saw her enter the world, my husband says I have never smiled as much. I can easily sit for hours and hours just holding her, singing to her, praying for her. She has done nothing whatsoever to earn my love. And yet, I cannot imagine it possible to love a person more. This goes against so many things we have been taught. We are taught that our value is in what we have achieved. What we look like. Even as a Christian, perhaps in terms of our faith or maturity or service of others. We judge ourselves in this way also. But what does the Bible say? It tells us that all our righteous acts are like filthy rags (Isaiah 64 verse 6). It reminds us that whilst we are yet sinners then Christ died for us (Romans 5 verse 8). We are told that we should become as little children to enter the kingdom of heaven. NOTHING we do can make God love us more, make us more acceptable, make us more part of His kingdom. I think maybe sometimes we know the verses, especially when we have been Christians a while, but don't really appreciate the depth of what that means. Similarly, when we think about the people we value most in our lives - it is not because of what they have done or what they look like, but who they ARE. Why do we judge ourselves so harshly, why do we strive for more, for better, when in fact we are as God made us with all our weaknesses, frailties, idiosyncracies? 'For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them'. Eph 2:10. How can God have prepared these things for us before we were even born? Before we had achieved anything? Because of who He has made us to be....

Another thing I have learnt with my daughter is the importance of taking each day as it comes. Yes, we are all familiar with Matthew 6: 'Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble', but how often do we truly live that way. How often when we pray 'Give us today our daily bread' do we really trust that God will supply ALL our needs for that day. And then if tomorrow brings a cold wind of change, then God will CONTINUE to provide. She changes a lot every day. Now at two months, she can smile, follow my face, interact, make little cooing noises, begin to try to sit up. She is no longer that totally fragile bundle of fluff she once was. Many friends have told me to enjoy every moment because these days pass so quickly, and I praise God that through our circumstances and blessings I am able to take this time just to be with her and enjoy these days. If tragedy were to strike and she were to die tomorrow, I would still be able to say that these have been two of the most precious months I have ever known, and that my life is so much richer having known her. I would not look back and wish I had enjoyed her more, or that I wish I hadn't been rushing around trying to fit so much in around her. Like people often say, nobody gets to the end of life and wishes they had spent more time in the office, but many people regret never having told their loved ones how precious they were, or having spent time with the people who meant most. There are days when I get loads of housework and cooking do, do a couple of hours of work on my project, send half a dozen emails, choose the hymns for Sunday's service, meet a friend for coffee, have guests for dinner and then go out to Bible study, and these are great. There are other days when my husband gets home and the breakfast things are still on the table and I have barely moved from the sofa where I have been with my daughter all day. Which day is of more value? On which day have I been a 'better' person? You see what I mean?

These words are especially poignant as I commented ‘even if tragedy were to strike and she were to die tomorrow’... Was that a strange thing to have said? Because within the week, she had suffered an unexplained cardiac arrest, never fully regained consciousness and died six weeks later. And how I thank God for her life! The words I spoke then are true, and I am grateful to God that I was able to have that perspective, even despite a difficult pregnancy and delivery. I am grateful that I was able to take a step back from the hectic pace of life and the relentless expectations that seem to be placed on us, and truly marvel at the gift of life that my daughter was.

I could go on to talk more about what God teaches us through older children, as they make attempts to succeed and fail, as they start to walk and run, but fall, as they begin to test out boundaries and limits, showing their true sinful natures, and yet their childlike faith and trust. But I think that belongs in a separate post, and for now I’ll leave you with the lessons that God taught through a baby girl who lived for fifteen weeks.

Out of the mouths of babes...

Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory in the heavens. Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them. Psalm 8 verses 1-4

Last week we heard the news that an elderly friend of ours is terminally ill. When we told the children, their first response was to ask whether she would see their sister when she got to heaven. We asked them what they thought happened in heaven, and the immediate response was that you worship God, and sing. ‘God of glory, we exalt your name!’ It encouraged me greatly to hear their genuine and unemotional response to the sad situation. People die, and if they know and love the Lord Jesus, then they go to heaven which is a wonderful place where there is no more sadness, pain or death, but only perfect and eternal rejoicing. To them, it sounds like an exciting adventure; we need to recapture some of that innocence and faith. Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” What does that mean, but that we should continue to have that childlike faith which does not look for complications, does not get bogged down by the trials and pressures of life, but looks upward to a God for whom nothing is impossible.

Several years ago, a seven year old girl was probably the person who helped me most following the death of my daughter. She wanted to talk about her. She wanted to look at her photos, time after time after time. She asked the important questions about illness and death, and talked in a refreshingly simple way about heaven and what that meant. Adults often shy away from such conversations, feeling that certain topics are in some way taboo. And yet children retain that honesty and simplicity and can often see things in a way far beyond what we would imagine.

And yet it is easy to dumb things down for our children. To consider a certain topic or issue too complex or too ‘adult’ to discuss with them. To present simplified and sanitized versions of some of the Bible stories. For example, looking at the story of Noah – we talk about the ark, and the flood, and the rainbow which accompanied God’s promise. But what happened to everybody else who lived at that time? Why was the flood sent? Has God changed? Do we miss the more important message of a holy God who abhors sin? That might just be one example. Time after time I have been astonished by the clarity of perception that children have. But should we be surprised? I don’t think so. It does not, for example, surprise us when children quickly learn that they can pit parents off against one another. Or that birthday and Christmas celebrations are often accompanied by gifts and special food. Or even be able to memorise lengthy songs and nursery rhymes. They can both memorise and perceive unspoken nuances of situations and conversations. But we can expect so little of them, and in doing so, lose some of the opportunity to tap into this hunger and understanding that seems to be a God given gift. Psalm 8 is often quoted, but do we really think about what that means? Even a child who cannot yet speak, an infant, can rejoice in God and there is real power in those praises. I thank God for this truth, and pray that as our children grow, they do not lose their childlike faith and trust in Him.

A call for comments

I have been reflecting on five months of blogging. I can view the statistics regarding where and when the blog is being read, and which posts seem of most interest. But I have few comments made. I wonder whether any of the readers would like to comment on what they find helpful and what other things might make the blog more helpful to them? Are there any challenges you have encountered that you would like to share? I write for my own reflection and contemplation, but also seek to challenge and encourage others as they swim agains the tide of contemporary society, aiming to raise young families in a god-honouring way. I pray that this objective is being met, and would love to hear from you!

Kondwani

Five months of Blog

I realised it is about five months since I started this blog. I have been encouraged to see I have readers in the UK, USA, Russia, Germany, France, Guernsey, Latvia, China, Malawi and South Africa. But more than anything, I have been encouraged personally as we move forward in the early phases of home education. What I wanted to do today, is just reflect on some of the key moments of these past five months.

1)    Having a young baby. In May, when I started blogging, my youngest son was two months old. As with every child, it has been wonderful to see him progress through his early milestones to the point where he is now, crawling into corners, exploring the world, and frequently requiring rescuing from underneath chairs and sofas. Equally wonderful to see is how excited my older boys are to see his changes. ‘Mummy, he’s picking something up!’, ‘Mummy, he’s crawling, he really is!’, ‘Mummy, he’s trying to talk!’ and so on. At first, I felt a little guilty that I didn’t have the one-on-one time that you have with your firstborn (of which many of my friends seem to have because their older children are in nurseries or at school). But the benefits of growing up in the family are immense. The older boys have learnt a lot about kindness and gentleness, have learnt about how babies develop, and have generally enjoyed the whole experience (I can honestly say, I have not seen even a flicker of jealousy towards the baby). From the other side, any one-on-one stimulation and interaction that I might not be able to give my baby is more than compensated for by two older, extremely attentive brothers. They bring him appropriate toys, sing to him, try to massage him (quite amusing that one), show him pictures in books and help bath and change him. Already the three of them seem to share some fun games without much input from me. Is that relevant to home education? Yes, most certainly, as at first I really felt a pressure that I was somehow depriving both my older boys and my baby of something by not putting the older ones in nursery, and yet as I reflect, the converse is true.

2)      Shared activities. There are many times when I have reflected on how the fun is multiplied when you have more than one child. Some activities are simply far more rewarding when there are a couple of children (and I would imagine this is something that the much larger homeschooling families I have met and read about experience even more). Things like messy painting, cooking, running through leaves, building things out of sticks and stones – all are more fun with more players. Again, this is relevant, as I feel strongly that current society seeks to fragment the family into separate divisions, with each member having their own circle of friends and activities. People have urged me to separate the older boys who are as close as twins in many ways, because it is somehow thought to be to their benefit to have separate friends, and to learn to be individuals. I have no question that they are individuals, and neither do they! They clearly have different temperaments and strengths and weaknesses. But they love to do things together.

3)      Imaginative play. This is where having them together at different ages really comes through. The boys have some secret games with made up names which seem to bring them great joy. I think imagination is something which can really become stifled through the conventional education system. Personally, I experienced that when I went to secondary school. Before the age of twelve, I loved writing adventure stories, where I could really immerse myself in the plot to the point where I felt I knew the characters as friends and could vividly describe the scenery and conversations. At secondary school, English took the form of assignments, such as critical essays, or responses to set texts, rather than allowing free creativity. It is only now, as an adult, that I am starting to reclaim an element of that, and it makes me sad. I enjoy seeing the freedom my boys have in truly entering in to their play. I have noticed it on occasions with other children in the park for example, that my boys will invite others into the ‘jungle’ (which is often the undergrowth beneath closely positioned trees where it remains dark and damp even on sunny days), to be met by responses such as, ‘That’s not a jungle, it’s just a boring tree’. 

4)      Hospitality and ministry as a family. At first, it was a temptation to see the children as occasionally ‘getting in the way’ of more important things, such as adult conversation and hospitality. (In honesty, that can still be a temptation!). But what I have seen is how your ministry changes, but is no less valid. Perhaps somebody who needs intense, one-on-one time might struggle a little during an afternoon in my household, but there are many – especially single or lonely people – who are blessed by joining in with whatever is going on – whether that be art, or reading, or a walk in the park, or splashing in a paddling pool. We have got to know many people in the neighbourhood simply through our daily lives (we travel mainly on foot, or using local public transport, and so meet many of our neighbours round and about). And, given that they go to bed quite early, if we really feel the need for ‘adult conversation’, that can be done in the evenings. When I first had children, I was blessed by the writings of Edith Schaeffer such as 'What is a Family?' which described much of this. Later, I came to see how the Schaeffer family were influenced by the works of Charlotte Mason. It fits together beautifully and biblically, and is a model I seek in my family. This week I was sad to hear of a missionary family whose boarding school educated children are bored and restless when they return to the mission station for school holidays; I was saddened because there was little concept of ministry as a family, but rather that family has been fragmented. Each individual may be thriving, may have a vibrant faith and strong ministry, but something beautiful has been sacrificed.

5)      A refreshing perspective on life. There are so many simple pleasures and simple beauties in daily life which I had previously rushed on past with barely a second thought. Seeing things anew, through the eyes of a child experiencing something for the very first time, is incredible. It takes time. If we did not have that continual dialogue, taking time to listen carefully to what the children were saying – which any parent will know can be difficult when there is a lot going on in the background, the child is excited and speech is a little indistinct – then I might miss a lot. I would have thought (from my former outlook on life) that I would find this phase a bit trivial and mundane, repetitive and dull. However, God has blessed me greatly, in showing me much of Himself through the details in His creation that the boys notice and enjoy, and also as I reflect on His great patience and kindness towards us (that would probably be a whole new post for another occasion).

6)      The involvement of my husband. Again, this requires a separate discussion soon, but I am struck by how so few fathers are really actively engaged with their children. Often much of parenting is delegated to the mother, and ‘traditional’ roles are adopted (such as the busy father working long hours, then being too tired to really enter in to family activities at home whilst the mother looks after home and children) without much of a second thought. Especially within the church, and I have touched on a little of this on my post regarding the passage in Titus Chapter 2. But the fact is, much of what the Bible says about parenting, it says to the fathers. And God made us different. We have different strengths and weaknesses and skills. There are some things I do better with the boys, and others that my husband does; and we all benefit. I am greatly blessed to be in a family where my husband encourages, supports and challenges me in all I do. I have a husband who is willing to go against ‘convention’ and work less than full time in order to be hands on with his family; we believe this is something more families should consider. On a good day, it is nothing but a wonderful blessing. And on the days I struggle, it is every bit as wonderful to have the support and encouragement of a husband who has shared priorities and commitments.

There will be more, but these have been some of key discoveries of the past five months. I will continue to blog as we move forward, and I will continue to share the challenges and the discouragements too.

What is a childhood anyway?

I don't often go for 'humorous' photos, but I thought this one summarised quite a bit of what has been on my mind lately and has been reflected in recent posts!

A call to simplicity in parenting

We are spending a week in a cottage on a farm in Scotland. It is beautiful! We have watched incredible sunrises each morning, and ended the days with the sun setting across the plain, light dancing through an old oak tree near the farmhouse, shadows falling across distant mountains. Each morning we have read a Psalm together, and contemplated the incredible intricacy and beauty of God’s creation. Walking through fields of recently harvested oats, we have spent time talking about crops, harvest, food and provision, and also about the parables Jesus spoke which described seeds, crops and harvest. It becomes so visual and tangible for the children as they see these illustrations surrounding them. As we watch the fields of sheep close to the cottage, we discuss all the references in the Bible to Jesus being the Good Shepherd, and the comparisons between flocks of sheep and us, as humans. These are just some of the wonderful lessons which come through as we try to live according to Deuteronomy chapter 6 (especially verses 5-7): ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up’.

In contrast to this, there have been some quite alarming adverts we have seen on television. (We don’t own a television, so it is bit of a novelty to us, but also quite an eye-opener). Two adverts have really stunned us. The first challenges parents to make sure their children spend an hour per day being physically active because of the long-term health benefits. The second talked about how regularly communicating and interacting with ones’ child will boost their vocabulary and give them a good start in life. What has stunned us is the need to put such adverts on television. I understand that it is health campaigning, health education, public health, preventative health care, whatever that you might like to call it. But these adverts really are akin to the basic messages of health and hygiene that one might try to assimilate to reach underdeveloped, illiterate rural populations in parts of the developing world. I feel as though this is a recurring theme at the moment as I reflect upon some of the broader issues relating to parenting and education (physical activity and children, long hours of childcare). Another news article relating to these issues is that discussing the potential need to limit the amount of television that children are exposed to. Apparently, the average child aged five has access to ten different screens (such as televisions, computers, computer games etc) around their home, and the average teenager watches six hours of television per day. As interesting as the article itself are the hundreds of reader comments that follow, ranging from those who agree totally on the need to restrict viewing hours, to those who consider this to be fully unrealistic because the television is so much part of their lives and their childrens’ lives.

Why do I comment on this? I suppose it is simply the paradox of a society which views itself as increasingly advanced, developing in all areas, and yet is losing touch with the very basics of family life. On the one hand, parents are encouraged back into work, we strive for low rates of unemployment, stay-at-home parents are perhaps considered quaint, and increasing numbers of educational activities (including television programmes and computer games) are promoted. Yet on the other hand, it is necessary to put adverts on those same screens reminding parents that children need exercise and communication. The Bible calls gives us simple, practical instructions on what is right and best as a model of family life, and these values still hold today. Thinking again about those verses in Deuteronomy, some of this relates to shared activities and shared lives. Walk together (working together, and also enjoying physical activity and exercise), eat together, talk together, discuss things together. Simple, relational activities which our society seems to have rejected, and which now it seems, is realizing are essential. Let’s seek to raise our children in simplicity and instill in them those things which have lasting value. Let’s seek God’s wisdom above all the voices of this world as we prioritise in our family lives. Let’s pray that we can hold fast to what is true, and shine like stars in this world, giving Him great honour.